The work year over

For the first time all year- I am staring at the possibility of having a to-do list actually completed.

Clean office
Send final email re summer supervision
Put together activity sheets for Christmas and Boxing Day services.

Then I'm off.

Reflections on this year at work.

Really tough.

And yet really wonderful.

I wouldn't say it has been the easiest working year of my life. I've just been overwhelmed with the tasks I've had to do. It's funny- for various reasons- our whole staff team has designated this year as the year of "Just getting by". All the grand plans of things we hoped to achieve were dumped around May- and just surviving the year with the day to day jobs has been enough of a triumph.

And yet, God has continued to work.

Term 4- the craziest term in the year- has also been the most amazing. My Playgroup friend Maggie has become a Christian. The kids at Youth group seem to really be growing. I have three women to follow up in the New year who really want to know more about Jesus. My Mum's Bible study group is filled with the most enthuastic women. And after a slow year on the Sunday School front- at the end of the year we have been innondated with new families and crazy numbers of kids!. For the first term ever- I didn't have any stresses in organising Sunday School leaders and one of the leaders commented that this term of teaching- rather than being the overload she had felt previously- had been a huge delight and had really grown her in the faith. And our Carols service was the best attended ever with heaps of visitors. I am so thankful to God for this term, and humbled that I had so little to do with it :)

As I close the chapter on the best term of the year- I get excited about the holidays and try not to think too much about term 1- the worst term of the year. It's always so difficult!

But for now I'm relishing the fact that the for the first time all year- my to do list is about to become empty.
love Belinda

When life gets busy...

A few things happen when life gets busy.

Number One- fiction writing goes out the window. It's really sad, as I suspect my mental health would survive the busy-ness better if I could escape regularly from all the tasks spinning round in my head with a short trip to my fantasy world. Hoping that today will be the day to get back into it.

Number Two-Shopping goes out the window. By shopping I mean regular grocery shopping. Of course I still shop- otherwise Tim and i would be taking out every meal (that's just for the really, really busy times :). But it tends to me a quick duck to the shops after work to get something for that particular night. It is the breakfasts which suffer the most for this situation. Don't tell Tim, but I'm having Maggi noddles for breakfast this morning ;P

Number Three-The house. It is atrocious. Praise God busy time for me coincides with holidays for Tim- so it's not a total loss. If I can managed to put cloths in the washing machine and clear the dish rack, then generally speaking when I wake up/arrive home the washing is on the line and the dish rack is full again.

Number Four-Early nights and early mornings. Generally, when I'm busy when I wake up in the morning I can't get back to sleep, I'm thinking to much. It's a bizarre form of insomnia because for some reason those same thoughts didn't bother me when I originally went to sleep. So I get tired earlier so go to bed earlier, then wake up earlier again. Vicious cycle :)

Number Five-I can't wait, wait, wait for holidays!

love B
PS It's a totally stupid, particularly given that my family haven't even celebrated it for years and years themselves- but I always miss my Mum and Dad and Sister alot on Thanksgiving. We lived in the states for two years and I loved that holiday. For the first ten years or so back we used to have one ourselves. Poor Tim has had me groaning all week about Turkey and pumpkin pie. He tries to be sympathetic, but he just can't get passed the idea that pumpkin in a pie sounds disgusting. Oh sweet oblivion!

Updates

November isn't a good day for blogs.

I don't know if December is going to be any better.

Life is hectic but kinda exciting too!

Exciting number one
Tim has finished exams! He is now a big bad fourth year- and only 12 months off finishing for good. Doesn't seem possible that these last three years have gone so fast.

Exciting number two
Christmas ministry! What do I mean? I mean playgroup parties and Scripture Christmas parties, and our Carols Outreach service. I am also giving an evangelistic talk at an outreach event for our playgroup Mum's. Please pray for me.

Exciting number three
One of the playgroup Mum's in my Bible study has become a Christian! She and I sat down today to talk about it because she wants to be baptised. She brought along another friend who has been thinking through Christianity and in the course of the conversation she realised she wanted to be a follower of Jesus too! I feel overwhelmed by God's incredible mercy in these women's lives, and the opportunity I have to see God work in so many amazing ways.

Exciting number four
Tim and I got to be God-Parents for our friends beautiful little girl Maggie. We were greatly honoured.

Exciting number four
I just had a lightening visit down to Melbourne for my cousin Kate's 10Th birthday. And. We. Saw. Mary. Poppins.
SO GOOD!

Please pray. Lots of excitement, but lots to do as well.
love Belinda

Sad and happy

This morning we heard the news that Tim's Nanna passed away earlier today.

We are very sad for Pa, for ourselves, and particularly for Tim's Mum and her sister. We will all miss her terribly- Pa especially.

But in Bible study today we were talking about death- and I was reminded that I don't have to be sad for her.

We were reading the story of the Paralytic in Mark 2. We were reminded that while sickness and disease are bad- we all have a bigger problem- sin.

But we learnt that Jesus is the one who can deal with that sin.

Nanna trusted in Jesus. And so praise God- her biggest problem is solved. Her sin has been dealt with. She has gone from being God's enemy to God's beloved Daughter. And now she is with him forever- all the tears and pain and sadness is gone. Face to face.

Sad for us. Happy for her.
love B

Verbs

I'm writing again.



Actually, I've been writing again for over a month but I think it probably takes a month of writing before I can really say that I really am writing again.



I gave myself a rule that for two weeks I wasn't allowed to read any fiction (gasp!!!!) and my reading would be for work or would be ON the topic of writing. Reading about writing is almost as much fun as writing itself (if its a good book on writing) but it actually sends me to my story as oposed to fiction reading which usually keeps me from it.



I'm back reading fiction again now, but even it has been inspiring me. I'm reading as a writer, and as I get caught up in the little world there is still a part of my brain facinated by what they say and how they say it and how it makes me feel.



One of the big things I've been observing is verbs.



One of the writing books I am reading is Mark Treswick???s "The little Red Writing book" (and yes- it was only last week, after owning the book for two years that I realised why he called it that and how the words sound. So slow :) It's fantastic because its a book on writing which is actually well written! Kind of logical but strangely refreshing. The last chapter was on verbs, and it was the verbs chapter that sent me sailing back into fiction reading again. Mark said that verbs are often the difference between good writing and bad writing and that you need to collect verbs.


And so I read, and I realised the truth. Good verbs really do make good writing. And so I am on a mission to collect verbs. To see what I always use and to add to them.

The verbs (or other words acting as verbs) in this post so far are: writing, think, say, gave, allowed, gasp, sends, keeps, "has been inspiring", get caught, facinated, feel, observing, reading, owning, realised, sound, was on, sailing back, said, need, read, realised, make, collect, use, add.

I love writing.
love B
PS 168 pages

The packet of Tim-tams that never runs out...

"Wait- did that really happen?" said R in my scripture class today.

"Yes, it really did" I answered, "The Bible said so".

"Really?" R said, still looking sceptical

"that" was the widow that Elijah stayed with having her bowl of flour never run out, and her bottle of olive oil continuing to fill.

"Maybe Elijah snuck in at night and filled it" said K, one of the more disruptive boys in my class, who today was hanging off every word.

"That's not what the Bible says" I said smiling, "And besides, the whole point was that there was no food, for the widow or for Elijah. God provided".

It's funny what the kids can cope with. They can cope with Goliath being defeated by David. They can cope with Jesus stopping the storm. They could cope with Jesus rising from the dead. But a BC version of the packet of Tim-tams that never runs out- was just a bit too much.

"God made the world. He controls everything. He made the rules of how things work- he made Physics. So he can do anything he wants. Nothing is too hard for him" This was my attempt at answering.

I don't know if they got it. But when God sent fire down from Heaven- and burnt up Elijah's sacrifice- they loved it. And I think they even believed it.
love B

BFFs?

I have a bit of a bee in my bonnet about the whole concept of BFFs.

If you are not familiar with the term, it starts for "Best friends forever". It is a term which i hear quite alot, due to my facebook friendship with numerous teens.

Don't get me started on people who use the term "BFFs forever", just like PIN number and ATM machine.

But my big issues are first the use of the world best, and second the use of the world forever.

Firstly- when I was in primary school I learnt you would rate things like this: good, better, best. And Best was the absolute cream of the crop. You couldn't have two bests (although you could have a collective group that was the best I suppose, but that's another story).

Hence the use of the Kath and Kim phrase "Second-best friend". I realise sometimes people don't like making distinctions and can't choose between friends who is "the best". Then I argue it makes sense to use a different term.

But BFFs? Well, most people have several BFFs, or they regularly change BFFs depending on their mood. I don't think that should be possible.

And the second F? When I was in my teens I may have had people I could call my "best friend" but I had no illusions that they would be my best friend forever? I mean, you can't tell the future! I was hoping at that time to get married, and I presumed that whoever I married would become my best friend. So any "Best friends" I had were highly likely to be temporary.

So, my new suggestion is "CFF?"

Close friends forever?

You are committing to prioritise that relationship long term. The question mark is that you don't know what will happen in the future, but you will work hard to stay close through lives changes. Because its more realistic, I actually think its more powerful. BFF is just a throw away term. "CFF?" is a commitment!

Do you think it will take off?
love B

Long Service Leave

Tim has been causing a sensation.

In social situations he will announce to everyone "Belinda and I are going on holidays to Europe".

Everyone looks very shocked and surprised, no doubt wondering if being a four day a week children's/women's church worker and a Bible College student pays better than they had expected!

"When?" Is always the next question.

"In Twelve Years" is Tim's cheeky reply, "Long Service Leave".

Tim has wanted to go to Europe for as long as I've known him (don't get him started on the fact that his parents took his little brother without him!). And the wish has been growing more and more.

Lots of our friends have gone. In fact, along with buying a house, it seems to be "the thing" that every couple does. And for me it is just one more thing that we are missing out on doing together. And I don't like my attitude! As Tim keeps reminding me- I wouldn't trade a European holiday or a house for the awesome relationships and ministry that God has so graciously thrown my way!

But it is still so hard.

Hence the plan.

Tim will (God willing)- start working in 16 months. Starting in January we will put aside $100 each month into savings. That way, by the time we hit long service leave, we will have at least $12,000 saved up for our holiday.

And just having made that plan, we feel better. Yes, we have made sacrifices, and we would make them again.

But its so lovely to have a goal, something special and exciting to look forward to, to celebrate potentially ten years of ministry work. (James 4:13-15 of course in mind and acknowledged).

And strange though it seems, Tim and I are already excited thinking about it.

Of course there are other options. Tim's sister cheekily suggested we go to Europe this summer, go into debt- and spend the next twelve years paying off the debt rather than saving up for it. Or someone else suggested Tim could always become a multi-millionaire Televangelist and have his own private jet to go to Europe whenever he wants.

But I think we'll stick to the savings plan ;)
love B
PS To be fair, I have been to Europe before with my family. But I don't really care about going except that it would make Tim so happy. And I like a happy Tim!

10 things that make me happy

My friend Jean tagged me for a meme. Ten things that make me happy.

1. Sunsets

2. Cherry Blossoms

3. Dates with Tim

4. Sharing Jesus with people who don't know him

5. The kids at church, and particularly being called "Aunty Belinda" (or Blinda, or Binda, or Bananna or whatever version they say!)

6. Praying and reading God's word and seeing it change people's lives :)

7. Nights of chatting with friends that slip into the early hours of the morning, because you are having so much fun.

8. Playing silly games with my Grant family

9. Telling old stories with my Clarke family

10. Walking on the beach

Tough stopping at ten. Praise God for so much joy potential in my life!
love B

Holidays

Holidays in Melbourne are...

-Eating lots of food I shouldn't and not getting any exercise except a little bit of Wii fit. Though I did managed for the first time ever to get a Wii fit age which was actually within 10 years of my actual age so I assume I can't be going so bad!

-Being late to everything because every moment you spend with people you want to drag on and on. Or being late to everything because you just aren't in the habit of calculating the time it takes to get from A to B anymore.

-(speaking of cars) That Melbourne roads are beautifully wide and uncomplicated and that small cars like my sisters and my Mum's can't fit much stuff but they are so zippy and fun!

-lots of tears, as you realise once again that life is hard and that a burden shared may not be a burden halved, but that it does make a difference to be able to share the tough stuff over the last little while that you've all been through.

-Seeing people you don't see or talk to for 5 months and it is as if you just spoke yesterday

-Mad, crazy, not enough sleep.

-Wonderful.
love B

Bible study 5 months on

Today I was talking with my boss (Senior pastor boss I mean, not God!) and we were reflecting on my Mum's Bible study- and reflecting on the change since it started.

Five Months ago- there were weeks when nobody came.

This week there were seven Mum!

This isn't an exercise in numbers. But its just funny to think of the March Belinda- sitting in a room by herself trying not to cry thinking that it was because of her that nobody came.

It's Encouraging to see perseverence paying off.

And particularly encouraging to see Mum's excited to read God's word, even when with small kids, it can be a bit of a sacrifice.
love Belinda

Worst that can happen...

Conversation between me and Tim while we stroll through the Markets near our home.

Me: "I'm looking forward to this week of Sunday School being over(the kids are normally divided up and Tim and I take the youth but this week I am running things with the youths help). I had another nightmare about it last night. I'm so stressed about it and I don't know why."

Tim: "I don't know why you are stressed either. It's going to be fine. What is the worst that can happen?"

Me: (smiles) "I guess your right, the worst thing would be if I didn't turn up to teach it, and even then it would be okay"

Tim: (pause) "One of the Kids could die. That would be bad."

Me: "That would be bad. But the worst would be if they died because I accidently dropped something on their head. (pause again). Actually, it would probably be worst if I actually deliberately killed them out of rage. That would be the worst thing. And that would be bad"

As we walked on, I felt better, confident that though the worst thing that could happen tomorrow would indeed be terribly bad- it was not particularly likely.

love B

Holidays, on the way

Holidays are almost sorted.

It is amazing the difference a few days make.

Two days ago I woke up from a shocking nightmare where I arrived at church to find out I was doing a kids talk and teaching Sunday School and I hadn't done any prep (most of my nightmares these days involve me getting into trouble for a lack of organisation- that is the monster in my nightmares!)

But now the kind of pent up stress that leads to such a dream has disapated.

Holidays are almost sorted. People have almost all agreed to look after my ministries while I am away. And even though I have many things to finish off in the weeks leading up to when I go away- I am starting to feel like it might all just come together in the end!

So what do I have to look forward to:

-Two nights in the Kangaroo Valley with a few great friends from college

-Four nights in Melbourne. Unfortunately it won't be a very long stay but it will be great to see family and I even get to help my soon to be sister-in-law Angie with putting together wedding invatations!

-One night at home

-Tim and I go away for a one night retreate for those considering church planting. It will involve talks and workshops, but it will also involve Tim and I time which I am really looking forward too!

Amazing how holidays put a tired brain in a better place!
love Belinda

Advice on things you've never experienced

One of the realities of having a role like I do in a church is I often have people discussing their problems with me and getting advice.

But sometimes those questions are things that I myself do not have any personal experience with.

The main one at the moment is parenting. Working with Mum's so much, I am asked often things like "How should I pray for my kids?", "How do I explain to my kids about other religions?", "How can I get my child to read their Bible", "What should I do if my teenager stops talking to me?", "How do I help my kid cope with bullying".

And now I find myself preparing a session on how to encourage your children's Christian faith for the Mum's Bible study I lead!

While much of this relates to my particular role, this is not a new experience for me. I discipled women who were dating when I had never had a boyfriend.

And sometimes I felt completely inadequate, and a little bit uncomfortable- longing to find someone else who could do the job for me who is more "experienced"!

But there is a few things I've realised.

Yes you can't help with everything.

Yes there are things that you can't understand until you've experienced them.

And yes, I do think about and research and ask questions to those who have been through these experiences and can share the knowledge they have gained.

But the biggest thing I've found when faced with questions about life situations that I've never experienced is that the Bible often has something to say about them.

I have never had to discipline a child

But I know something of what the Bible says about discipline. And so rather than being caught up with feelings of inadequacy, I turn to God's Word and together me and my friend work out what our good God has to say that might help guide them in that particular situation.

When I was 22 I had a women who was a great deal older than me ask me advice about a situation with her husband. I was completely shocked to be asked, surprised that she would think I had anything to say. For a moment I was speechless

But I did have something to say.

I just told her what the Bible said about that particular issue.
And she did it.
love B

Thanks

Hi friends,
Feeling very prayed for at the moment- just wanted to say thanks!
love B

After a slightly depressing last post...

I actually had time today for a nice long walk. The sky was blue and wind wasn't icy and it actually felt like spring might be around the corner.

I found an op shop and bought two tops, one that is cool and one that is pretty! I tried on one dress which I absolutely loved-it was this strange peasanty number with a mash up of brown and green paisley patterns. It was a little too weird for me to wear in public so I didn't buy it. But I'm glad I got to try it on :)

I had a cup of tea with a good friend

I worked on my novel (160 pages- oh yeah!)

I cooked dinner for Tim that he absolutely loved and he's been going on about it ever since.

Small blessings.

Lovely day off.
love B

Update and prayer points

It's been an interesting month.

I have been very weary- but not because I haven't been sleeping or because I haven't had time off. I have.

I'm just worn out.

It is amazing how easily discouraged I get. I find myself feeling like I am not doing a very good job at my job. I know that these feelings are not based on reality, and I know that other people don't feel this way- but I find it so easy to blame on myself when things don't get done or when things don't turn out like I prayed. The discouragement is part of the weariness- and a great opportunity to think hard about how I view my work. Because if I feel pride or self-loathing about the way I do things- the problem is that I am too focused on myself and not the God who I am serving. So I am praying that God will help me to see him in everything and not me.

I am also missing Melbourne and feeling very removed from family and friends. I find myself crying every time I see the My Dog add because the dog looks so much like my parent's in-law's little Pippin! It's not about Pippin (although I do miss him)- its about everything he represents. Home. Welcome. Love. Acceptance.

God is still encouraging me in many ways- most particularly through his Word and through Tim's ever present humour and encouragement. I am growing, changing.

But I am so tired.
Please pray for refreshment and peace.
love B

Reflections from Kids Club Day 2

Today was Kids Club, day 2.

It's been going really well.

Everything has been so well done, and the children seem to be having an awesome time. They really seem to be getting into the story, and really understanding what we are trying to teach them. My hunch is its going to be the best Kids club I've ever been involved in- and I've been involved in at least 15 in my life!

So much of the time in ministry you feel like you are pushing, pushing, pushing people to be enthusiastic about ministry.

Sometimes you tear your hair out about people not doing their share of the work.

Sometimes in ministry you spend weeks and months leading up to an event like kids club, doing the admin that you hate and thinking- this is so hard!

And then sometimes- you sit back and watch incredibly gifted, godly people, who work their butts of to serve Jesus and the precious children he loves so much. And you see God doing amazing things in the lives and kids.

And you think to yourself. Oh right. That's why I do this job again.
love B

Tim and I in Kiama

Just a few pictures from our brief time away

What my blog is

Hello people,

It's a strange thing with this blog. Up to about 3 months ago I was under the impression that what I wrote on this blog- though intended for whoever wants to hear it- was only really going to a few people. I could have almost counted them on one hand- and when I wrote- I basically had in mind that the people reading it would be my sister, my friend's Fi and Suz, my sister-in-law-to-be Angie (who is also my friend of course :), and a few old friends who I've reacquainted with through their blogs.


But over the last few months i keep finding out that there are actually lots of people who do read by blog, sporadically perhaps- but I've at least moved off counting my fingers to having to count using my toes ;)



Nothing like the huge readership of most of the blogs I read, or even some of my friends, but slightly intimidating none the less.

I always find it funny to read blog posts on blogging. But here is one.

When I first started this blog in 2008, I was a studying first year Bible College student, terribly homesick for Melbourne, who was feeling strange because for the first time in many years she wasn't really doing any formal ministry. Part of the idea of the blog was that maybe this would be the much needed avenue for reflecting on and sharing what I was learning. For some reason it didn't really turn out like that.


Then I started my Kids/Women's ministry job. And I quickly gave up any intention of making this blog a deliberate "ministry". I was too tired, and to be honest whenever I started writing a post that was to instruct or teach, I felt a bit overwhelmed. I didn't feel like an expert enough in anything to write something instructive. I would write such posts, but I would always feel a bit proud and arrogant, and they would remain in my drafts folder. I think that I underestimate myself. I have lots of things I could say that might be helpful- but until that knowledge is reflected in how I feel about it- this blog will remain a reflection of what I've discovered and learnt- not primarily what I want to teach others.

And with a novel thrown in, which I know deserves more attention than its given, my blog takes second place to most things in my life. I blog because i want to- not because i feel like I should. This is somewhat reflected in the occasional months that go past without a post.

So what is this blog?:

This blog is NOT honest. What do I mean? I mean that this blog is not a blog where I write all my true experiences and feelings. There are things in my life that are too private for a non-anonymous blog. I share what I feel comfortable with, and while i sometimes worry that this is a bit of a rose-coloured glance at my life- that's just how it has to be sometimes. And I think I've come to peace with that.

This blog is for friends. That doesn't mean I don't love it when people I don't know read it and comment! I do. But I can't be bothered thinking every time I write it about how to make it good or interesting or relevant for "the public". So apologies if it's not! :)

This blog is mostly for me. I do think about who is reading it, and I occasionally don't say things that I think might be unhelpful. But this blog first and foremost is for me to have time to reflect and record this strange time in my life. The idea of thinking really hard about my blog and how it might help people makes me very tired :) And so I pray that God will take my reflections and use them to help others, even if I don't have time to be deliberate about it.


Thanks to all of you who read it. I'm very thankful to God for you. It's lovely that even though many of you are far away- that I can share a little bit of this adventure with you.
love B

Only one night away...

But, given that- absolutely wonderful.

Highlight? The gorgeous B&B? The walk along the ocean? The Spa bath?

No. It was the same highlight that I've had from every holiday since I've been married.

The highlight was Tim.

love B

Nose dive in Novel confidence

I'm having a crisis in confidence to do with my novel.

Each week I get an email from the NSW Writers Centre letting me know of what courses they are running, what writing festivals are on, and what competitions are out there.

And ever since being totally inspired by the Sydney Writers festival session I went to (Isabelle Carmody- writer of two of my favourite series, and Garth Nix- who I've only just started reading now, but whose insightful comments on that day have made a huge difference in my writing)- I've been thinking I should go along to more of those things. I know there are huge gaps in my skills and I want to grow them.

Anyway- this week I noticed to sessions i would love to go to. One was the children's and young adults fiction festival this Saturday. The second was a session on writing happening at the end of the month.

Two things freaked me out.

The Cost.

It costs alot of money to do these kind of things.

Not lots of money in the scheme of things. But my hobby which hasn't really ever cost me a cent suddenly could go up a notch.

I don't know if my novel is worth spending money on, when money is not always flowing.

Tim, wonderful Tim- assured me "Let me me the judge of that. I have faith in you. Spend what you need to".

The second thing that freaked me out is that one of the sessions of the festival- you had the opportunity to a) Pitch your story to publishers and get feedback on how you could pitch it better or b) Submit your first page to be critiqued in front of everyone.

And I don't even have the guts to show my story to my dearest friends! Every time I've tried to explain my story premise I end up getting tongue tied and feeling a bit silly. If there is one thing I have faith in it's the premise of my story- the overall plot- the interesting world in which everything happens. But even that I don't know how to sell.
And though I suspect my first page is actually quite good- one day I will have to show the rest of it, the awkward sentences and the corny conversations that I wrote in haste (just trying to write something) and never had a chance to de-cringe-a-fy!

Suddenly it hit me that I either need to do a whole lot more work, get over my fear and just put myself out there, or give up on this. Oh I'm so scared. What if it's no good!

In the end I decided I couldn't go to the festival anyway- though I'm still pretty keen on the course at the end of the month. But it has raised bigger questions

I don't know if I can do this!

But I love it so much. I love my characters and my world. I want it to be published.
I hope it can.
love B

Two Nights, one glorious day

There are certain things I know about myself.

For the sake of my mental health, every so often, I need two nights away with my husband.

Two nights.

Not one.

Two.

Don't get me wrong. One night is wonderful! It is so wonderful. But the problem is that it ends up being just that. One night.

Mornings packing, cleaning the house so it doesn't depress the holiday out of us when we get home, and thinking- we should get a bite to eat before we go. Arrive at the place usually around 3. Have a lovely, lovely time. But then, the next day, once you've packed up and eaten lunch and you hit that afternoon slump, you end up heading home. To a home that isn't quite as clean as you remembered. To computers and books and xbox and television and whatever is happening the next day. Not that these things are bad. But suddenly the holiday grinds to a holt.

But when you have two nights holiday- you end up with this glorious, completely-contained holiday day in the middle. And THAT is what I need right now.

Tim and I were trying to work out it.

First plan was for me to leave work early on Thursday- so that we could go somewhere for Thursday night and Friday night.

Commitment Saturday morning. Scratch that.

I didn't know what i could do! Then my scripture class was cancelled for Thursday and one of the lovely Mum's in my Bible study offered to run an end of year morning tea and prayer time for that day so I could take it off.

I enthusiastically told Tim: "We can go away Wednesday night and Thursday night".

Tim: "But we have "Food for Thought" on that night" (FFT is our annual big church dinner when people can invite their friends to hear about Jesus)

GRRRRRRRRrrrrrrr... (don't get me wrong- I LOVE Food For Though- but the timing is just...Grrrrrr)

We still haven't worked out exactly what it will look like- but we are getting our two nights. Even if it means starting our mini-break at 10pm on Wednesday night!

It has been a big year. And while I have had lovely holiday time in Melbourne, I have not had holiday time with Tim.

I need my one glorious day.
love B

life sans sunsets

The biggest drag about living in the crammed urban world that is the Inner West of Sydney is the lack of sunsets. I sometimes get glimmers of how good it could be by the light reflecting off the apartment building out the study window. But when in excitement I go searching to see it- there is nowhere to go. No big hills or flat expanses to walk to. Just more buildings close together. An occasional glimmer between them, and its gone.

I miss my sunsets :(

love B

The fog lifts

It started with the Roses. It always does.

I didn't realise it at the time. But as I walked towards the office I looked up and there they were. The Roses. Bobbing away in the breeze, under a sky which had been blue for days. They were always there. But on Wednesday, I saw them. I hadn't seen them for weeks.

It wasn't what I would call an easy morning. There was lots to do, and lots of conversations to be had. My throat was tired and after singing and story telling and entertaining I was ready for a nap, not for work. But I grabbed myself some lunch and sat down at my desk.

I sat at my computer for around 30 minutes. Not working. I can't do this. I just can't do this. I thought to myself. Not just that I can't do the work that I knew needed to get done. I meant I can't do this job. I'm no good at it. It's too hard. I can't do this and life and everything else. I can't do this.

Just one email. I told myself. Send one email and then you will feel better.

So I sent one. And then I sent another. And then I opened up a document and starting listening what we would do at the Kids Club training day.

That actually sounds pretty good I thought to myself.

I kept working. I thought about Kids Club and all the great things that would happen. I thought about Scripture and Bible study. It was good. It was work. But it was good. And I was too busy doing it to tell myself that I couldn't.

Even then I didn't know.

It was this morning. The roses aren't the only sign for me. As I went for my walk I started singing. Singing in my head. Lolling along Glebe Point Road singing a song in my head. I had sung, I had listened to songs, I had even had them stuck in my head. But not this "I'm happy so I will sing" that I found myself in for the first time in weeks.

That's when I realised.

The fog had lifted.

When your feeling depressed and you loose your confidence, you don't always know what's going on. You know that it's happening, but you don't see the way that it creeps into every aspect of your life and colours it grey.

But when the fog goes away, when God in his kindness and wisdom helps you think true helpful thoughts and not negative lies.

The sky clears.

And you see the roses.
love B

Technology and compliments

Tim has recently acquired a new toy- an iPhone.

When they first came out he was a little bit interested but that interest quickly waned. After his old phone busted and he was finally due for a new plan- the topic came up again. And after numerous debates and discussions, now he has one.

I spent the first week joking that the iPhone was the third partner in our relationship, as when we went to bed, rather than speaking to me he would be checking facebook or playing the Settlers-of-Catan ap!

And at a recent seminar on marriage at college- when people had to put up suggestions of what was "marriage intimacy" killers- several people suggested iPhone and ipods!

But there are some benefits to our relationship.

I love compliments, and I particularly appreciate when I'm feeling down having Tim list all the things he appreciates about me. He willingly does it for me very regularly, but it can be a bit taxing for him.

Enter the iPhone!

Now- with the excellent voice recorder software- Tim has made a copy of him saying how much he loves and appreciates me. So whenever I need to hear it- its there- in just the touch of a button :)

And now, with Tim being away for the weekend, he's sent me a copy so I can hear his sexy voice saying lovely things whenever I want!

I think the iPhone can stay :)
love B

My little book

Earlier this week I opened my novel. For the first time in ages. I thought I'd check how long. I opened up the properties in the document to see when it was last accessed. April 29th. Yikes!

I think I've talked about this before- but the times when I'm writing I'm happy, and my periods of non-writing are often when I'm stress, overworked, or down. I don't know what comes first: Does writing make me happy, or do I only write when I'm happy?

Regardless of which is which- I want to write more :)

I printed out my story so I could have a read of it hard copy to start working out what needs to be added. It was trippy. I accidentally printed it out in booklet form. And you know what! It actually looks like a little book. I sat on the train reading it thinking- this feels like a book! A book that makes only a little sense because large chunks of the story haven't been finished yet- but a book nonetheless.

So what are the stats?
144 pages
40,895 words.

My aim for this month is to make the changes that I have written onto my hard copy, and to finish writing up everything in my notebook onto my computer copy. And to fill in the small holes in the first half of the story.

The second half of this year? Write the bulk of the second half of my story. A scary but exhilarating prospect.
love B

How Long...

Monday wasn't a great day.

Part way through the day I was struggling with unanswered prayers and thinking about Psalms- and I started thinking about the one or two Psalms which have the line in them "How Long, oh Lord...". I decided to try to find them, so I opened up www.biblegateway.com

I found many, many Psalms which contained the words "How Long?". How often does the cry come from God's people! And it is not an incorrect thing to ask.

But something else came up too:

"This is what the LORD, the God of the Hebrews, says: 'How long will you refuse to humble yourself before me? Ex 10:3

Then the LORD said to Moses, "How long will you refuse to keep my commands and my instructions?Exodus 16:27

The LORD said to Moses, "How long will these people treat me with contempt? How long will they refuse to believe in me, in spite of all the miraculous signs I have performed among them?Numbers 14:11

The LORD said to Samuel, "How long will you mourn for Saul, since I have rejected him as king over Israel? Fill your horn with oil and be on your way; I am sending you to Jesse of Bethlehem. I have chosen one of his sons to be king." 1 Samuel 16:1

Elijah went before the people and said, "How long will you waver between two opinions? If the LORD is God, follow him; but if Baal is God, follow him." But the people said nothing. 1 Kings 18:21

How long, O men, will you turn my glory into shame ? How long will you love delusions and seek false gods ? Psalm 4:2

How long will you lie there, you sluggard? When will you get up from your sleep? Prov 6:9

O Jerusalem, wash the evil from your heart and be saved. How long will you harbor wicked thoughts? Jeremiah 4:14

God has given this cry to, when he's observed stiff-necked people. People like me.

Thank you Lord, for your patience.
Please grant me patience too.
Amen

Love B

Graciousness

Sometimes in Ministry you can't win!

You offend people when you ask them to help you with a ministry

You offend people when you don't ask them to help with a ministry

You offend people because they are convinced that you are offended by them- and they feel that you have no right to be offended by them, so they express to you how offended they are by the fact that you are offended by them when in fact you weren't offended in the first place.

But you are now!

And to be fair, sometimes I offend people because I don't put thought into how they are feeling and I am so busy and so self-absorbed that I don't treat them the way that I would like to be treated.

Ministry takes alot of grace.

God please help me to show grace to people the way you've shown grace to me!
Amen

love B

Fiona's Kitchen (Tea!) Rules

Hi folks,
I thought I'd share with you a few photos of my friends Fi's Kitchen Tea- particularly because I'm a little bit proud of it! It was something that myself and the other Bridesmaids put allot of thought into- and it was really fun. It's the kind of thing that could work for a social event at church or with friends.
We decided that given Australia's current obsession with Cooking shows we would have a Master Chef themed Kitchen Tea.
We called it "Fiona's Kitchen (Tea!) Rules"- complete with a little FKR logo on the invites and on posters on the walls. Fi didn't know details of what was going to happen. We got everyone to dress up in aprons.
Everyone also bought along a receipy to put into Fi's special FKR book

We dressed Fiona up in her very own "Princess Fiona" apron- complete with a crown

First challenge was the mystery box! Fi (along with two hand picked helpers) had to make something out of the ingredience we gave her. People could watch and chat.

Fi and her helpers had 15 minutes to either plate up (ideally) or at least have her dish in the oven.

These are Fi's beautiful Pear pancakes with cinnamon flavoured cream cheese icing with pear garnish :)

We got some guests (including Fi's Mum and Mother-in-Law to be!) who gave some Master chef-eques special comments and scores.

Then it was on to the Taste Test! My Mum had prepared an amazing slow cooked lamb stew made of 14 ingredients.

Guests got to taste and look at the stew and decide what they thought was in it.

Final activity: We all got a chance to decorate some cupcakes with various goodies we provided.
And Fi got to judge the most beautiful creation

Me and My sister

All in all, it was a fun but exhausting morning!

love B

Pictures from the wedding week

Here are some pics from my crazy but wonderful wedding week:
The first needs a bit of an explanation. On the Tuesday before the wedding I fulfilled a life long dream by being the entertainment at a kids birthday, specifically I was "Princess Belinda" for Ella's (one of the wedding flower-girls) Princess party. Don't have that many good pics yet of it, but here is a little self-portrait featuring a cute little tiara. In the car on the way to the wedding, with my fellow bridesmaids Kate and Lisa

Hmm, not sure how to turn pictures around, but here is me arriving at the church

Kate and I- gives you a sense of the dress, which I absolutely loved. They worked so well, and even though Lisa had a maternity version made (she was six months pregnant) it still worked really well together

Me and Tim! The wedding week was the longest we'd been apart since we got married.

Me and the beautiful Ella (4)- she was a flowergirl and very delightful company in the week leading up to the wedding

And Fi the beautiful bride!

love B

My week

As I sit down to write about this week, I feel like falling asleep on the key board instead.

It has been a great week. But you don't realise how tiring it is running around doing little errands until you come home and stop and realise how nice that feels.

It's been a great week. But you can't just go on holidays after a very busy and difficult month and expect recovery to be instantaneous. I am still emotionally winding down, and returning to a normal Belinda. Hopefully I will be there before I go back to work :)

It's been a great week. But not as I expected. Rather than heaps of social time with Fi, it's been lots of quality family time, and time hanging with the other Bridesmaids. Two people who I didn't know that well, who I've always liked from afar, and who I now know are as lovely as I'd imagined.

It's been a great week. But it isn't over. Not tomorrow but the next day I get to see my friend Fi walk down the aile, not as a rehearsal but for real. I get to hear her make amazing promises and start a new stage of life with her husband.

I'm so excited.
love B

Flash back

Hello,
I am writing to you from the study in my parents house. In the house where I lived from the time my mother brought me home from hospital.

It's changed a little.

There are new rooms, there is a rather nice patio. And after 20 odd years of hints, there is finally a fireplace.

But some things haven't changed. My room is still blue- though it seems so much smaller with a big sofa bed and my sisters sewing things stacked on my old desk.

Yesterday I road in the car with my sister.

She tried to get me to listen to her alternative music.
Then she eventually gave in and we listened to Crowded House and Van Morrison which we both like.
We coughed in songs to block out the swear words.
We talked about life and God and friends.
I teased her about being a Melbourne Uni Alternative-hippy who scorns me for my "pop" music and doesn't buy retail.
She teased me about my inability to offer my assistance in housework until the job was already finished.

My life has changed so much in the last six years since I moved out. And many of the changes are very, very good.

But some things haven't changed.

It's lovely.
love B

Where I am now

I'm sitting in our study. Outside the gum trees are there, but I can only see a few leaves shadowing across the lights of a near by apartment.

Earlier tonight I saw a clear flash of lightening, and then- BOOM, the thunder sounded.

Tim has often commented on things that he wants about the house that we live in. He often says, he's love to have a clean study that was all his own- a haven (the need for a haven may have something to do with the usual state of the house ;).

What do I want?

I want a room with a view.

I want to be able to be sitting on the computer- working on my story, and then look up and see something beautiful.

It makes my day.

I have that at the moment. Lovely trees, and a square of sky.

It's strange. Because I've had a really tough month. I'm overworked. I'm burning out. I'm tired.

But this room is my haven.

This room with a view.
love B

Operation Relocation

It just hit me today.

So far in my mind I've been pining after Melbourne people. Melbourne friends. Regretting the things that I'm missing, longing for the day when I would be back again.

But its just hit me. In a year and a little more than half we will be back in Melbourne. Perhaps for the rest of our lives.

And I'm suddenly realising how much I love my Sydney friends. How hard it will be to leave.

But before my Melbourne friends let out a sigh of horror (or even a few I told you so's) rest assured we are definitely coming back to Melbourne. Melbourne is home, and even if it wasn't- it is where I think we are needed.

But it's gonna hurt. Not to leave the city. But to leave the people. And it won't be like these two years of missing Melbourne friends, because in my mind it was always temporary.

But realistically, there are people who I dearly love who I will probably never live in the same city as again.

Wait- that's not true. In Heaven we will. And that will be amazing.

But I'll miss them while I wait.

And that brings me to my new plan.

Operation Relocation!

Get all my dearest Sydney friends to decide to make the permanent move to Melbourne!

I started with one friend today. She might have been humouring me, but she didn't sound totally against to the idea.

Operation Relocation.

Sydney friends- you have been warned!
love B

God is good to me

It's been a bad week.

Which is funny really.

Because it's been a good week.

Playgroup was great.
Bible study was great.
Scripture was great.

There aren't things that have been going wrong. It's me. I've been going wrong. I've been struggling and working away, not having the energy to battle my usual discontentment and other related sins. And so I just let them grow. It was also a busy week, and I wasn't getting the rest I need.


When organising last Saturday I made the momentous error (for the second time!) of putting our Youth group sleepover on the same time as Equip- a women's ministry conference I take a group of church too. Stupid!


I kind of figured Equip would be pretty refreshing. And it was. But it was also very emotional.


There was a talk on Envy.


I think I've mentioned before that envy is something that I really struggle with.


One women during the conference described the talk as like being placed on an operating table and then "poke, poke, poke".


It was so helpful. But very confronting


One of the big things that was emphasised is that while Envy is obviously about other people, in many ways for Christian it boils down to our relationship with God.

Why is God kinder to her than to me?

It is that unhelpful idea that we sometimes have that God has a certain amount of "goodness" that he has to give people. Limited blessing. And when she is going well, and I am going badly, it's because God has decided to give his good to someone who isn't me.

But God is not like that.

God is infinitely good and generous.

And not only is God good.

He is good to me.

Me.

He is good to me even when my situation is not good.

He is good to me even when my heart is not in the right place.

He is working all things out for my good whether I like how he's doing it or not.

Ironically since the talk, with my lack of sleep, and a few other things, I've been overwhelmed with envy.

But now at least with God's help I'm fighting it. With these words.

God is good to me.

God is good to me.

love B

May Madness

May is about to begin!

And it's going to be a massive, massive month.

Please pray for me, that I will get everything done- particularly this weekend where I have several things to do for church on Sunday and a very small window in which to do them!

Thanks friend,
Belinda

Me at 13 Part 2

(Spelling mistakes have been left in for authenticity sake)

I think its an interesting exercise for Tim to get to hear something of my year 7 prayer diary. He recon's he can see a fair bit of the thirteen year old still in me!

Year 7 was a really shocking year. I had just arrived back from the US, and was surprised to find that life didn't suddenly turn out wonderful like I expected it to. I didn't have any good friends, and got picked on at school quite a bit. So much of my prayers were crying out to God- pleading with him to change my situation. It's interesting to compare it to now when I am faced with difficulties. My understanding of God is a great deal more sophisticated- but many of the raw emotions are the same. But as I read many of those sad and sorry prayers- I look at how God has answered them, the way he has cared for me. It's pretty cool.

Some of my reflections on God:
"God, your love for me is so great that even if I commit every sin I can you will care for me still"

"My Lord is the way to heven and theres no other way i would like to travel. Being in heven with Jesus cant be a boring thing".

"You don't want me to fear the future so help me to look forward to the good things and not dread the bad things"

My spelling was (still is) atrocious- my personal favourite is "anof". Think about it phonetically if you can't work out what I mean.

But probably the strangest thing is what I choose to pray for. I would usually talk about my day with God and pray for myself. Then I had a few people I would pray for everyday. And finally I would pray for a very random group of people who either came to me at the spur of the moment or were inspired by something that happened that day.

Some examples:
I pray for:
...People who play musical instruments
...all the engaged couples of the world
...People who can't praise you because of speech disabilities
...Those who have been badly affected by volcanoes
...those who have snow and don't want it
...Michael Jackson
...for those who have the power to blow up the world (that they think twice)
...those who have lost something of centermental value
...those who lose there job because of tretury
...famous people who have been put down by New Idea magazines- that you would keep them from becoming unpopular.

love B

Me at 13

Kyck and all the youthy things I have been doing got me thinking about myself when I was young. What did I understand about God? What did I know.

Luckily for me- I actually have a record for from the age of 13 until the age of around 19 (I think) I kept a fairly regular prayer journal. It was literally my conversations with God about my day and how I was feeling.

I have been reading the entries, and they are pretty funny- and that's not even if you count crazy phonetic spelling! Tim and I were in histerics last night over some of them. I'm going to put some up on this blog when I have the chance.

But its also really interesting- and fascinating to see God's work in my life. Cool to see the simple gospel truths that were obviously so clear to me- especially that I am saved not by what I do.

But I wanted to share one thing. One of the things that I did (don't know why, but its a great idea) is that I sometimes prayed about what I had read in the Bible that day. I was reading through John. This is what I wrote.

"I love you God. I'm so glad that you are three in one. One third Father. One third Jesus, One Third Spirit. And a third of you lives in my heart!

Hmmm, not sure if that's quite an orthodox view of the Trinity!
love B

Please Pray

I have a friend called Rosemary who is having a Mastectomy this week.
Please pray for her.
love B

30 years worth of thankyous!

On Kyck we were challenged to not be people who were focused on gaining things that don't last (money, fame, things etc), but to be people who thanked God for the good gifts he gives us.

So, to celebrate my birthday- I thought I would thank God for things that he has given me over the years of my life.

Year 0-Thanks God for giving me life!
Year 1- Thanks God for giving me awesome parents who told me of you and loved me so kindly and wisely
Year 2- Thanks for my sister!
Year 3-Thanks for the Grandparents and Aunts and Uncles and Cousins who bring such joy
Year 4- Thanks for the house I grew up in, particularly the huge backyard where I could run around, dream, make up stories, and talk to you
Year 5- Thanks for primary school- for the things you taught me and the lessons I learnt about life and the world you created
Year 6- Thanks for my Grandparents farm- a place where I experienced so much joy.
Year 7- Thanks for St Mary's and St Paul's where I had such fun at church and where I learnt so many amazing things about you and your son.
Year 8-Thanks for the imagination that you gave me, and the many fun years (still continuing) of making up stories
Year 9-Thanks for friends you gave me
Year 10-Thanks for the time you gave me in the states- the beautiful world of Madison that you decided in your Divine plan to share with me
Year 11-Thanks for the experience of living in another country- and the love you gave me starting then for people who are from countries other than Australia
Year 12- Thanks for the church I went to in America- particularly my Sunday School teacher Laura who helped me understand what it means that we are all sinners
Year 13- Thanks for High school. Even though it was a hard 6 years, I learnt so much and I grew so much and I am thankful for how you used it to shape me into the person that I am.
Year 14- Thanks for Youth Group- for the leaders, for the opportunities for ministry, for all the fun times, and for the friends.
Year 15- Thanks for Jesus! (That is relevant for every year- but I might as well stick it here, and 15 was a hard year and knowing that Jesus died for me was something that helped get me through it)
Year 16-Thanks for letting me go overseas to Europe. You have blessed me with so many special experiences and I am grateful.
Year 17- Thanks for Beach Mission! It was such a key time in my walk with you, the friends I made are so precious, and it was there that I realised I wanted to spend the rest of my life telling people about Jesus. What a blessing!
Year 18-Thanks for giving me a love of learning.
Year 19-Thanks for Uni. Thanks for that fun crazy time. Thanks particularly for the Christian Union I was apart of- for the fun, the friendships, and the Bible teaching and training which has made such a difference to my Christian life and service.
Year 20-Thanks for my friend Fi- thanks for the way you have used her over the years to be such a source of encouragement and fun!
Year 21-Thanks for teaching me that I should find my self-worth in you and not in other people (still learning that one- but 21 was a key year)
Year 22-Thanks for giving me jobs- allowing me to earn money. Thanks for the growing up that took place and the lessons I learnt.
Year 23-Thanks for introducing me to the most amazing man in the world. Thanks that (after a while!) he decided to ask me out. Thanks that despite my worries over the previous 22 years that you had it all figured out!
Year 24-Thanks for my marriage to Tim. Thanks that despite the fact that we are both sinners, that you have used us to grow each other. Thanks for all those amazing fun times.
Year 25-Thanks for the chance to do an apprenticeship at RMIT. It was just amazing to have people donate money so that I could spend my time reading the Bible with Uni-students and encouraging them in their faith. Thanks for the blessing of being trained by the gifted and godly Steve and Heather. I grew so much.
Year 26- Thanks for Scots Church- for all the things we learnt and the dear friends we made. It is such a blessing even now when we are far away that we have such caring lovely "couple friends" who welcome us back as if we never left.
Year 27-Thanks for Bible College. I still can't believe I got that one precious year of studying your word. Thanks for that unexpected Gift.
Year 28-Thanks for Chatswood Baptist and particularly the chance of getting to work there. Only you could work things out so well! Thanks for Children's ministry and making it fun as well as challenging
Year 29-Thanks for the way that despite hard things and trials and time away from family, that you have held me tight to you, and grown me in my faith.

Year 30
Plenty of things I could say- but as it's only been 11 and half hours (or less than an hour depending if you are going via the actual time of birth), I won't dwell on them ;)
But even though I don't know what this year holds- I know that it is in the hands of a creator who loves me.
Thanks God for being in control of my life.
I love you.
Amen
B

8 years on... my thoughts on Youth Ministry

God has a strange way of placing you where you don't expect.

When my friend Fi and I were finishing off Uni, we were both thinking about working in Full-time ministry. Fi dreamed of Youth ministry, I of working with Uni students

8 years on?

Fi is now working full-time with a Uni Christian group, and I lead the junior youth group at church!

This is particularly strange for me, because I'd done the youth thing and I thought I was finished with it. As I finished junior youth group as a 16 year old, low and behold (like almost everyone else) I was asked to be a leader myself. And so I was. I was a youth group leader for around 6 years, one as the coordinator. I have lots of happy memories of leaders meetings, crazy Friday night activities, youth camps, Bible studies, and interesting conversation. But I also had lots of memories of frustration, of kids who didn't seem to get why God was important, of kids who were so different from what I was like at there age (a nerd) that I found it hard to relate to them. Youth leading it seemed was made for people with thicker skin than me.

And while Uni ministry was tough, it seemed to fit my personality so much better.

So, nearly a decade on- how do I feel about youth ministry?

It's funny in a way. I still find many of the things that I used to find frustrating frustrating. I still don't get how youth can often be so apathetic to a God who has done so much for them, and who is so much more great and glorious than all the things they put before him.

But a few things have made a difference.

The first is I'm more relaxed.

My fear when I first looked after youth was always: "Will they stay Christian? Will they go off the rails?". And in someways- as I think of many of the youth I once taught- the sad reality is that this fear has been realised.

But I am still more relaxed now. I don't jump down their throats if they express frustration at the Christian life. I don't expect them to have it all figured out right away. I don't expect them to sit in a Bible study or a talk or a conference and get all the things out of it that I am. They are learning, growing, changing. I am more patient with that process, and more trusting that God in his own time will do the work that he wants.

But the second change is that my expectations are also higher, particularly after a talk I heard during the weekend away at Kyck.

I think in the past I thought the most you could expect from teenagers was that they stay Christian and learn stuff during their early to mid high school years.

But that is to underestimate them. Youth can do so much more, they can make so much more out of the teenage years. I don't want my Youth kids to just stay Christian. I want them to be Christian! I want them to teach kids about Jesus, to invite friends to church, to evangelise, to help the poor, and to do anything else that God's Word and Spirit prompts them to do!

And I'm thankful that when I was that age that people pushed me. That they taught me Two ways to Live. That they put me on a committee to organise Youth Services when I was in year 8. That they pushed me to do Kids Club and Beach Mission and Youth group. I don't think i could be doing so many of the things I do now if people had treated me like I often treat the youth I know.

A humbling rebuke.

love B

Knowing myself

One of the keys I've found so far in surviving the full-time (or almost full-time) ministry life is knowing yourself.

On Sunday night we got back from Kyck- a fantastic youth convention. I spent much of the weekend driving around with and hanging with three girls from our youth Bible study. It was great fun and a huge blessing- and encouraging to see them all struggling with the Bible and what it had to say about Life and what really mattered. I nearly went deaf with the volume of music they insisted on in the car, and didn't sleep very much- but my only tears from the weekend were tears of joy as a reflected on the amazing God that I serve.

Knowing myself, I knew that after that kind of weekend, after that kind of intense, crazy, happy adrenaline I was going to have a crash day.

It's today.

I'm sitting at work, on my lunch break. I feel like I can't do anything. I feel like there is no way that I'm going to get through the term ahead. I feel like I can't possibly fill all the Sunday School teacher/helper spots. I feel like its all going to crash around me. Even the weekend with all its blessings seems to be not quite as good as I first imagined.

One of the things that was talked about on the weekend is the fleetingness of life. I came away inspired to make the most of the life I have left. To make it count.

I woke this morning. I didn't want to make it count. I just wanted to sleep in and be miserable!

But I know what I feel is not true.

I know that God in his goodness will provide.

I know I will survive.

Today is my down day.

And knowing that helps me to keep it together.
love B

Holes and Ends

Sometimes I doubt that I'm smart enough to write a novel.

So many holes to fill. So many ends to tie. So many new ideas that crowd into the old. I'm doing a bit of re-reading today (something I've been avoiding lately so that some writing gets done) and I see all these ideas from a year ago that I haven't yet followed through in the rest of the story. Do I keep them or loose them?

Exhausting and occasionally little bit dispiriting.

But still fun.
love B

Novel problems

I am very conscious of my page count on my novel.

Each time I open it out (which is incidentally daily at the moment), I stare at the little number in the corner.

My husband doesn't get page counts. He prefers to know my number of words (he's such a student). But I was beginning to think he had the right idea.

Because for a long time the page count wasn't growing.

The first reason was usually because I wasn't writing!

The second reason was because I was editing, and therefore words would go up or down or stay the same and I could put hours in and there would not be a difference.

But slowly that is changing. Each week it goes up. Not by much, one, two, maybe three pages at a time.

But it is going up.

This week I started working on the order of a few sections, and I mercilessly cut out a bit that I had written in the first few months of writing. So often when I'm re-reading something I wrote long ago I end up scrawling underneath the mantra of the novelist "Show don't tell, show don't tell". Don't just describe things, don't just explain things. Use the narrative and the characters movements to let the reader know what they need to know. So I had long ago written a "show" version of my "telling" passage- but had not removed the original.

I removed it on Monday.

2 pages down the tube.

It was very discouraging.

But to my amazement as I kept on plugging away I replaced those pages that day. And added on a few more.

At the end of last year I decided that I would set myself the goal of getting the first draft of this novel done by the end of this year. And at various different points during the months proceeding this one I've assumed that I had bitten off more than I could chew and that there was no way it was possible. But I now think I can do it.

I printed out a section of my story so I could work out the order of some random interactions of characters that I had plonked together, and so that I could work out the "gaps" that need to be filled to make the narrative come together. I stared at the pages in horror. I had loved measuring things in terms of pages- it made me feel like my end wasn't far away. But as I looked at how many words and lines constituted a "page" I was in shock. There was so little. Perhaps I hadn't written as much as I thought.

Then as I read it, I realised something was odd.

Our printer had been cutting off a paragraph at the bottom of every page.

Phew.

135 pages

38,508 words

love B

Random Observations of this week

This week I did a kids talk for Easter, and as part of it we had a Humpty Dumpty Egg "Fall" off a wall and smash on the ground. One of the toddlers burst into tears. We couldn't work out if he was sad because Humpty "died", if he was just in shock, or if he was upset because he wasn't allowed to eat it!

I've been really admiring the various families around me at church and the hard work they put into teaching their kids about Jesus. Easter really makes it hit home- as parents think of creative ways of helping the kids understand the story. And our Sunday School teachers are also doing a fabulous job. I'm so impressed by how well even the little kids are doing at remembers that Easter is about Jesus and not chocolate! One of the kids was showing me the "resurrection" eggs they had used in the 3-5 yo class.
I pointed to the picture of the tomb.
"What's that".
"That's where they put Jesus"
"Then what happened"
"He came back to life on the three day!"

Today I went to a funeral of a man from church. The talk was based around the verse in Psalm 90 "Teach us to number our days aright, so we might grow in wisdom". For the first time in my life- I felt that death was not that far away. Even if I live another 50 odd years- that is nothing in terms of eternity. Time is short. I really want to make it count.

One of the women I spoke to at the funeral said to me afterwards "When I was a little girl, I was so scared of death. Now I see it as not a bad thing at all. I'm not afraid. I have hope."

I've never seen such a stoic, content widow at a funeral before. And not because he wasn't dear to her, and not because she wouldn't miss him. She was just so happy that he was out of pain and with Jesus.

Death was on my mind alot this week. But so was the Resurrection. And hope.
love B