Dear friends,
I love Melbourne. I'm going to say it again. I love Melbourne. It has been so nice seeing so many dear friends, but its had a bittersweetness to it because I know I will be leaving them all soon. But I'm very, very thankful for the friends I have. Which is funny. Because as Tim keeps reminding me as I complain about not making deep friendships fast enough in Sydney and how much better it was in Melbourne, when I was in Melbourne I often worried about friendships then too. Just another battle in the never ending struggle for contentment.
One of the things that has been on my mind alot over the last week has been the future. I think its because coming back to Melbourne gets Tim and I thinking about what we will do when we come back hopefully for good- and we toss around ideas and don't really get anywhere. My stomach tightened and my head spins and I begin to stress.
And then I move onto the next stage of the worry process, coveting. I look around at others. And I see them with their little families and their new mortgages and their husbands in normal jobs and I begin to stress some more. What if we can never afford a house? What if we never have a normal life? What if I'm doomed to spend the rest of my life with a tight stomach and a spinning head?
One of the most helpful moments in my content battle was a discussion I had with Heather about the nature of coveting. Heather once asked me...you look at other people and you say you want all the things that they have...but do you really? Would you change places? And I pause and I think of what I've had. Would I give up the joys of the last two years of seeing people grow and seeing people move most particularly from death to life...for a house? Would I miss out on all the things that I am learning at the moment? Would I give up on Tim? Would I give up the hard things if it also meant going back to the (prouder, younger, sillier) Belinda who hadn't learned those lessons?
The battle, however, doesn't seem to end with that process. It continues. And God continues to surprise me by taking care of our needs and providing for our little family regardless of our lack of a 'normal' life.
You know the life I really want? Its a life where rather than always looking back and seeing how good things were, I just pause and see them when they happen.
On Sunday we went to church with my Nan and sang one of my favourite hymns. Its such a good reminder to be thankful and of the character of God.
The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases
His Mercies never come to an end
They are new every morning,
New every morning
Great is your faithfulness oh Lord
Great is your faithfulness.
I have this idea when I hear that song that what I should do is pause each morning and remember the mercies that God has given me for that day. I still haven't done it.
But I think when I do it, contentment might seem that little bit more possible.
love B
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