Enevitable Change Funk

I've been in a funk of late.

Easily loosing it emotionally.  Snappy and less sensitive with Tim.  Less motivated with house chores/everything.

It was only today it hit me.

The change factor.

When I was about 3 months out of getting married, I fell apart.  Tim was actually really worried, who was this crazy emotional women who had taken over from the lovely lady he proposed to!  I still remember on a Sunday morning  at that time, getting ready to clean the unit I was sharing with a friend.   Mum came over.  I burst into tears, she ripped the vacuum out of my hands, sat me on the couch, and did the vacuuming for me.  What a Mum!

But the most valuable thing was that she commented that of course I was loosing it.  I was about to go through a change.  I always struggle in the lead up to a change.  "Been like this since you were 4 years old" said Mum.

For her it was an "Of course" moment, but for me it was a huge break-through.

Change totally freaks me out emotionally and I need to be aware of that and be prepared for it.

Tim has taken this news on board, and done a fabulous job of talking me through and encouraging me through change.    And today he gave me another breakthrough moment when he commented that of course I was emotional, I was getting ready for change.

As far as change goes- moving cities, church planting, and leaving one job to an unknown future is pretty high up there on the change-odometer.

One comment Tim often makes to comfort me through change is that I am actually a great hand at dealing with it.  I've been through tonnes of changes in the last 7 years, and most of the changes have actually been good/positive ones, which I've dealt with well.  Almost as if I put all the angst into the lead up and then cope fine at the change itself.

I've actually started to think maybe I am not such a change hater after all.

But this month, that same little 4 year old peaks out her ugly head and throws her usual change tantrum.

Please pray that I will cope okay over the next few months, and that the changes will be good.
Love B

Novel Spelling

Oh Dear...

After several weeks off I started back onto my novel.  While working away, suddenly Microsoft Word gave me a pop-up box I had never seen before.  It informed me that there were so many grammatical and spelling errors in my document that it could no longer show them all, but if I wanted to check my spelling or grammar I would from now on have to run my own manual check.

!!!!!!!

Has this ever happened to anyone else in the history of Microsoft word before!

I like to think it's because I've been so wonderful in actually writing 65,394 words, and that of course when a document gets big these things happen.

I like to think it's because I'm writing Fantasy so Microsoft doesn't recognise all the cool people and place names that I've brilliantly invented..

I'm hoping it's because I can't spell, and I've never been able to spell.  I think spelling is a completely over-rated talent in this new world of wonderful spell correcting technology- and bad spelling doesn't make someone a bad writer.

But bad grammar does.  I'm hoping it's not because I'm a really bad writer.

But it did make me laugh.
Love B

An answered prayer

I am having a wonderful Bible reading month.

I have been getting such joy and help from everything I am been reading.

Of course, it's not normally like that.  My parent's instilled in me the wonderful habit of reading the Bible before bed, and so it's something that I don't struggle to do.  But I struggle sometimes to concentrate.  I struggle sometimes to learn.  I struggle sometimes to remember what I read the day before.  I do it, because i know it is good for me, and because I know God's word is powerful and I need it in my life.  But I don't always do it because I enjoy it.

I encourage our teenagers at church to read the Bible every day but they struggle with it.   It just doesn't hold the same addictive power as Vampires, or Angels or other super-nature teenagers and their complicated life-styles!  And I understand that.  I actually made a new rule this year- read my Bible before I read fiction.  Because I would read fiction until I was sleepy and then...oh wait, Bible.

But I think i need to keep reminding them and myself that it is a process.  That you do go through periods where it just seems boring and hard to understand, and that is just because of who we are, sinners who don't realise what we have.  That doesn't mean you give up or stop- good things sometimes take hard work.  You persevere, and you ask God to change you and help you, and to mercifully help you to enjoy what is such a special and magical thing.

And you expect that sometimes it will be hard.

But you can also expect that sometimes it will be a joy.  And at those times you need to just ride the wave and read like crazy :)
Love B

An important purchasing decision

I have a few minutes spare and so I walk into the newagent.  I have a really important purchase coming up, and I want to make sure I have put thought into it before I buy.

I love newsagents.  I am not someone who likes spending money, but if I was, I would spend it on stationary.  I still remember the joy of my first "proper job"- and being shown the stationary cupboard and being told "take whatever you need".  Pens, texta's, pretty paper, highlighters.  It's a magical world.

But I'm not here for pens.

I walk through rows of notebooks.  A5 of course.  A5 is perfect because it's portable.  And this purchase must be portable.

But they are plain, boring, and very ordinary.  And very ordinary is fine for my work notebook.  But not for this.

A lady directs me to the "pretty section", and I begin to smile.  So many lovely ones.  I eye the leather ones jealously.  They look so "authorey" but they are expensive, and usually don't have lines I like.

There is a beautiful blue shiny one with glitter and ocean-shades.  I open it up, only to realise it's not ring bound.  It must be ring bound.  I need to be able to flip over the page, so that wherever I am, I can prop up a knee, and write

I open another one.  It is a bit plain, but still pretty.  But the lines are too widely spaced.

I sigh as I look.  When I'm shopping for clothes, usually after a few minutes of flicking up a few tags to look at prices, and running my hands along a row of hangers- I realise, today is not a day where I have patients for shopping.  Today is similar.  I'm just not ready.  This is an important purchase- and I must get it right.

The frustrating thing is that somewhere lost at home i have a lovely, red-leather bound notebook with perfectly spaced lines.  It has no ring binding, but it was a present from a dear friend- and this covers up a multitude of sins.  It seems appropriate too- because my current writing notebook was a gift as well.  A simple pink notebook with a black panel filled with poka-dots.

But my beloved poka-dot journal is on it's last legs.  And appropriately enough- there is just enough space to take the notes I need to finish my novel.

I think that is partly why this is an important purchase.  This is the next stage.  This notebook will be for my next writing project, my next novel.  That idea fills me with excitement.  What fun I will have!  What ideas will be worked on and processed and work-shoped or will just come?

And such ideas need a pretty place to play.

A week of tears

This week is the week of the due date for our baby that never got to be due.

It is such a hard, messy, sad, horrible week.  It is a week of remembering.  It is a week of tears.  It is a week of love that is still there even after our baby is gone from this earth.  Love that will probably always be there.

It is a week of asking Why? Why? Why?  Of imagining a life that is so different to what is actually here.

And it's a week of realising just how empty a pair of arms can feel.
love B

Two terms of Playtime to Go!

We've hit the "5 months to go" mark in the previous week.

Quite extrodinary.  Really, moving to Melbourne seems to get closer and closer every day ;)

But of course there is a lot of sadness, particularly when I think of saying goodbye to the kids and families I've been working with over the last three years.

I was thinking of some of the most memorable Playgroup kid moments (warning- some of these are repeats from other posts):

-Little Lisa, such a gorgeous little treasure! If she sees me sitting down will come up behind me and pretend to "cut" my hair.  "It's too longer, it's too longer" she says, as she pretends to cut it with some fake sissors from the playgroup doctors kit.  "Stay still" she says, if I move my head to much, in a very hairdressery voice.

-Little Hayley, after struggling to say my name for nearly a year, finally calls me "Aunty Bananna"

-Ren, who insisted for a while on "Playing Belinda" before meals, which meant saying the following "Dear God, thank you for friends and food.  If you haven't paid for this term, please see me afterwards.  Amen"

-Little Max, with his gorgeous big blue eyes.  On the week of his birthday (when we did a cake for him) he said "I love you Belinda, you are the best Belinda ever".  Another time he said to me "I like you Belinda" before saying quietly to himself "Beautiful Belinda".

-Oli and Matty- who like to play "Aunty Bawinda" at home, which basically means getting out their teddie bears and ordering them to sing and dance.

-Shy little Harper, who will quite often announce (after she has warmed up a bit) "Look I can hop".  And so she does and soon she has the 7 or 8 other kids hoping around in front of me.  So gorgeous.

-Nathaniel- whose Mum will suggest he gives me a hug.  He will walk towards me, and as I drop down and open my arms, he will bolt in the other direction- laughing hesterically at his own little joke.

-Little Hanna, who spends all week singing playgroup songs at home.  When she is tired and struggling to get out of bed her Mum says "maybe you are too tired for playgroup".  She shakes her head and says "No, we have to go.  Belinda is WAITING for me".

-And little Xavier, who at 6 months old always gives me the biggest grins whenever I smile at him.

So special to be involved in these moments :)
Belinda

Kids Club

There is something really special about working with a team to share the gospel.  Kids Club this year has once again been a huge effort and lots of work. But I've been so encouraged.

I've been encouraged by our teens who are putting up their hands and doing a remarkable job of not just being helpers, but leaders.  Having lead most of them for three years, and having got them "tagging" along when they were in year seven, it is great to see them in year 9 really taking initiative.

I've been encouraged by people who would never call themselves 'kid' people, who non-the-less volunteer and come along and make a real contribution.  Even taking off work so they can help!

I've been encouraged by the servant hearted nature of everyone- who are so ready to stop and help a kid that's sad, or to drop everything and set up a game, or tidy a room.

And I've been encouraged by everyone's thoughtfulness.  Today because I had said the day before I had a sore throat, one of the leaders made lemon and honey drinks for everyone in the morning.  A lady in the kitchen bought ingredients and made wraps for every member of our team for lunch today, with no prompting- just out of the kindness of her spontaneous heart.

It can be scary leaving a ministry job, wondering how things will go without me.  I need to keep remembering that God is in control and he is the one who provides and grows people.

But I'm also reminded that am leaving a committed group of Godly, fun, special people.  The kids club is in some wonderful hands.
love B