Not a very good month.
Three days before Christmas, Tim and I found out via Ultra-sound that our nine week old babie's heart had stopped beating. And after three horrible weeks of waiting for it to happen, I finally miscarried last Tuesday.
So not the Merriest Christmas. I went to bed at 10pm on New Years. I didn't want to think about 2011. 2010 had been tough, and we had such high hopes for this one. Now I can hardly face it. We'd been trying to get through one day at a time- to not think about the future. This gets progressively more difficult when my job at the moment is to start preparing for term 1 at church.
We miss him so much (we refer to him as a him. He just can't be an it, we love him too much). I don't think I've ever felt so lonely since we lost him. We are confident he is with Jesus now- and ultimately we want to be able to look back and celebrate his little life, rejoice that we had him for a little while. But I think it will take a long time before we are properly up for that.
I have good days, I have bad days. Yesterday was a good day. Tim and I had decided that while we weren't going to broadcast our sadness to the sky, that we wanted some people to know about him. I had already let a few people at church know, and told a few more yesterday. I've been overwhelmed by love and support that people have shown, love both for us and our little one. One friend at church started crying when I told her. That afternoon she dropped off some flowers and chocolates for us. "I had to do something" she said almost apologetically.
But if the last week has taught me anything- it's that this road isn't a road of steady incline back to normality. This is grief, and I can't predict how I will feel or when I will feel it. And that's okay.
I wasn't sure whether to write about it on my blog, but I have learnt so much, and the process from anger at God to crying into his loving arms (which of course is not a steady incline either!) has been something that I'd like to write about.
:'(love B
I'm really sad to hear that. Those three weeks must have been a harrowing rollercoaster of emotions. Do whatever you need to get through it - cry, talk, don't talk, go out, stay home... it will be different things on different days. That's how grief works. Listen to your body and your emotions and do what you need, not what seems 'right', if you know what I mean. There are no rules to grief.
ReplyDeleteLove to you. xx
Lots of hugs... the news made me cry, too. :(
ReplyDeleteNobody who's lost a child ever forgets him/her.
xx hugs
I'm so sorry for your loss & glad you are surrounded by people who love you and care for you. You'll never forget your bubba even though he was with you such a short time xx
ReplyDeleteHi B,
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry for being so slow, but I'm just doing some catching up on blog reading (have barely looked at anybody's for months) and found your post about losing your baby.
I'm so so sorry to hear of your loss and, even though it's now a few months on, I pray that God will continue to comfort you in your grief.
I wish I could give you a great big hug right now but that will have to wait until next time I see you.
Love lots,
Jules
PS Nice to see you in the distance up in the gallery last week...
Hi Belinda,
ReplyDeleteLike Julie above me, I too am catching up on blogs and I was really sad to hear about this. I pray your precious baby stays dear in your hearts, and that God blesses you with many more who you can love and cuddle.
I am so sorry.
Love and Prayers,
Kate.