6 years

A week ago today Tim and I were celebrating Tim's brother's wedding. Six years ago today, Tim and I were celebrating as well.

Being married to Tim has been the best thing about these last 6 years. He is a super husband and such a blessing to me. He is such an encouragement to my faith and a great supportor of my ministry and dreams.

Praise God for another year of loving each other and keeping our promises.

love B

God's goodness when life is not good.

I've been reflecting on the concept of God's goodness.


I think when something horrible happens it's a natural progression of your mind, but it was sparked off particularly by a facebook comment. A million people (okay, slight exaggeration) have announced in the last month that they are having a baby, many of which are expecting in July when our little one would have been due. This is heart-breakingly hard for us. One of those people commented on facebook when discussing their pregnancy (which had taken a long time to happen) that "God is good".

I really struggled with that at first. The way I thought about it was that this person thought that the evidence of God's goodness was that they had been given a baby. But then the thing I struggled with was- what was the loss of our baby evidence of? Is God good to give one person a child, and not good to take one away from someone else.

One of my teens at church asked me once "Why is it that when something good happen we have to say thanks to God but when something bad happens it's not his fault?". Brilliant question!

Anyway, all these things had been floating around my head a few nights ago when I got to listen to a recording of a talk on Psalm 136- which was all about God's goodness, and how we can think about God's goodness in relation to the hard things in life. Talk about good timing! It really helped me to put together in my head what it means for God to be good, and how to understand hard things.

A few reflections:

-God is the king of all things good. Because he made this world good and every good and perfect gift comes from him- then it is right to respond to happy and good things by remembering- "oh that's right, God is good".

-The world is a mess because of sin. While God is not out-of-control of the bad things, he is not morally responsible for them. Therefore, the bad things that happen don't negate God's goodness.

-God's goodness is seen in what he has done. He has made this world good. He has looked after his people. And most importantly, he has sent his son to die for us. All these things are constant signs of his goodness that we need to hold onto when life is not good. We have powerful evidence of his goodness in the cross.

-God's love is steadfast (Psalm 136 repeats the refrain- his love endures forever). When I feel like God is not being loving or good at the moment it is helpful to hear that he doesn't change. The same love that he had for me when he sent his son to die for sin is the same loyal love he has for me right now in this pain.

The truth is, in my life (quite the opposite of what my teenage friend said), when good things happen I tend to not thank God, and when bad things happen I blame him. When in reality all good things in my life are a sign of his goodness, and the problems and hard things are as a result of human sin. And yet God in his amazing sovereign way is in control of it all and is able to take bad and use it for good.

So yes- when a friend who has been trying for a while gets pregnant- she is right to say "God is good".

When my husband very patiently loves me through this time of depression and doubt- that is God showing his love for me. That is God's goodness. When I have a particularly good ice-cream, or when Tim's brother has a lovely wedding, or when I survive a day that I didn't think I could. That is God showing his love for me. That is God's goodness.

And the fact that God can look at this rebellious child who is so mad at him and still love her and send his son to die for her?

That is God's goodness.

love B

What to say?

I've been reflecting quite alot on every one's reaction to our sad news.

One of the most common comments is "I don't know what to say". I think part of that is that people don't know what to say that might help or might make us feel better. But the truth is- from my experience anyway- I really appreciate people saying something, even if its just that.

It's funny because I look back and I realise that most people I know who have miscarried, I have heard second hand, and didn't actually contact them and say something. Now I wish I had.

We love our baby. And we are really hurting. And it's great having people acknowledge that, acknowledge that he was important and therefore our pain is natural and right. I want to talk about it, and appreciate people giving me freedom to process with them.

Some people did the "Don't worry, you'll get pregnant again, then this won't matter". I know what people are trying to do (make us feel better about the future), but I don't want that to be true! I want my baby to still be important even if (God willing) we do have a baby who lives longer than 9 weeks. So rather than down-playing what has happened, I'd rather people let us be sad.

One of the most comforting things has been people sharing their own stories. I feel like there are all these extra kids that I never even knew existed, who are still precious to their parents and are now precious to me too. I look forward to going to heaven and meeting them all.

Thanks for all your prayers. I'm still really struggling to cope with everyday life and I need God's help so desperately. It seems like every time I start feeling better something happens or I hear some news which just floods me again with the "why, why, why". Please keep praying for me.
love B

Wedding

So lovely to have something happy to celebrate. Such a special family day.

Congratulations to Joel and Angela Grant

love B

A sad month

It's been about a month since I last posted.

Not a very good month.

Three days before Christmas, Tim and I found out via Ultra-sound that our nine week old babie's heart had stopped beating. And after three horrible weeks of waiting for it to happen, I finally miscarried last Tuesday.

So not the Merriest Christmas. I went to bed at 10pm on New Years. I didn't want to think about 2011. 2010 had been tough, and we had such high hopes for this one. Now I can hardly face it. We'd been trying to get through one day at a time- to not think about the future. This gets progressively more difficult when my job at the moment is to start preparing for term 1 at church.

We miss him so much (we refer to him as a him. He just can't be an it, we love him too much). I don't think I've ever felt so lonely since we lost him. We are confident he is with Jesus now- and ultimately we want to be able to look back and celebrate his little life, rejoice that we had him for a little while. But I think it will take a long time before we are properly up for that.

I have good days, I have bad days. Yesterday was a good day. Tim and I had decided that while we weren't going to broadcast our sadness to the sky, that we wanted some people to know about him. I had already let a few people at church know, and told a few more yesterday. I've been overwhelmed by love and support that people have shown, love both for us and our little one. One friend at church started crying when I told her. That afternoon she dropped off some flowers and chocolates for us. "I had to do something" she said almost apologetically.

But if the last week has taught me anything- it's that this road isn't a road of steady incline back to normality. This is grief, and I can't predict how I will feel or when I will feel it. And that's okay.

I wasn't sure whether to write about it on my blog, but I have learnt so much, and the process from anger at God to crying into his loving arms (which of course is not a steady incline either!) has been something that I'd like to write about.

:'(
love B