Symbolic act

Today, I plan to put on my contact lenses.  I haven't warn them since my brother-in-laws wedding in January.

It might seem like a simple thing.  I have put contact lenses in many times.  It is nothing exciting or special in and of itself.

But it is a big step for me.

You see, when I cry I have to take them out.  Not just normal crying- I do that everyday, sometimes sad, often happy.  Tears are just part of the hyper-emotional person I am!  But when I cry and I cry I can't stop, and my nose runs and my eyes go red, my eye-lids can get infected if I keep the contacts in too long. For too many days of that kind of crying.

Over the summer I couldn't wear my contacts (except for the wedding) because I was crying too much.  I was just so sad. 

It's not that I'm still not sad about our little baby.  I am.  I can't stop thinking about him.  But I'm no longer falling apart all the time.  I'm even sometimes a little bit happy when I think about him and our short time together.

It seems like a big step to put them in.  To make a conscious decision to pull myself together.

But I think I'm ready.
love B