A week of tears

This week is the week of the due date for our baby that never got to be due.

It is such a hard, messy, sad, horrible week.  It is a week of remembering.  It is a week of tears.  It is a week of love that is still there even after our baby is gone from this earth.  Love that will probably always be there.

It is a week of asking Why? Why? Why?  Of imagining a life that is so different to what is actually here.

And it's a week of realising just how empty a pair of arms can feel.
love B

Two terms of Playtime to Go!

We've hit the "5 months to go" mark in the previous week.

Quite extrodinary.  Really, moving to Melbourne seems to get closer and closer every day ;)

But of course there is a lot of sadness, particularly when I think of saying goodbye to the kids and families I've been working with over the last three years.

I was thinking of some of the most memorable Playgroup kid moments (warning- some of these are repeats from other posts):

-Little Lisa, such a gorgeous little treasure! If she sees me sitting down will come up behind me and pretend to "cut" my hair.  "It's too longer, it's too longer" she says, as she pretends to cut it with some fake sissors from the playgroup doctors kit.  "Stay still" she says, if I move my head to much, in a very hairdressery voice.

-Little Hayley, after struggling to say my name for nearly a year, finally calls me "Aunty Bananna"

-Ren, who insisted for a while on "Playing Belinda" before meals, which meant saying the following "Dear God, thank you for friends and food.  If you haven't paid for this term, please see me afterwards.  Amen"

-Little Max, with his gorgeous big blue eyes.  On the week of his birthday (when we did a cake for him) he said "I love you Belinda, you are the best Belinda ever".  Another time he said to me "I like you Belinda" before saying quietly to himself "Beautiful Belinda".

-Oli and Matty- who like to play "Aunty Bawinda" at home, which basically means getting out their teddie bears and ordering them to sing and dance.

-Shy little Harper, who will quite often announce (after she has warmed up a bit) "Look I can hop".  And so she does and soon she has the 7 or 8 other kids hoping around in front of me.  So gorgeous.

-Nathaniel- whose Mum will suggest he gives me a hug.  He will walk towards me, and as I drop down and open my arms, he will bolt in the other direction- laughing hesterically at his own little joke.

-Little Hanna, who spends all week singing playgroup songs at home.  When she is tired and struggling to get out of bed her Mum says "maybe you are too tired for playgroup".  She shakes her head and says "No, we have to go.  Belinda is WAITING for me".

-And little Xavier, who at 6 months old always gives me the biggest grins whenever I smile at him.

So special to be involved in these moments :)
Belinda

Kids Club

There is something really special about working with a team to share the gospel.  Kids Club this year has once again been a huge effort and lots of work. But I've been so encouraged.

I've been encouraged by our teens who are putting up their hands and doing a remarkable job of not just being helpers, but leaders.  Having lead most of them for three years, and having got them "tagging" along when they were in year seven, it is great to see them in year 9 really taking initiative.

I've been encouraged by people who would never call themselves 'kid' people, who non-the-less volunteer and come along and make a real contribution.  Even taking off work so they can help!

I've been encouraged by the servant hearted nature of everyone- who are so ready to stop and help a kid that's sad, or to drop everything and set up a game, or tidy a room.

And I've been encouraged by everyone's thoughtfulness.  Today because I had said the day before I had a sore throat, one of the leaders made lemon and honey drinks for everyone in the morning.  A lady in the kitchen bought ingredients and made wraps for every member of our team for lunch today, with no prompting- just out of the kindness of her spontaneous heart.

It can be scary leaving a ministry job, wondering how things will go without me.  I need to keep remembering that God is in control and he is the one who provides and grows people.

But I'm also reminded that am leaving a committed group of Godly, fun, special people.  The kids club is in some wonderful hands.
love B

Who am I?

I've been going through a week of big questions about my life and the future and what I am doing.

Part of it was being on holidays and having time to think.  Part of it is still dealing with the pain of our loss.  Part of it is knowing that next year is going to be a time of huge changes, as I leave a job and a city and a life.  Part of it is being asked regularly (and not surprisingly) "What are you going to do next year?".  Most of the questioning has been serious and tough.  I feel like I don't know what my life is about and it's really hard to be in my thirties and still not be sure about what is the best thing to be doing with my time.  And I can't help thinking about how different next year could have been... :'(

But there has been a little silly part of me that has been doing some dreaming out of the box, and that has been the fun part of the uncertainty of next year.

Things I would love to do if I actually had the power to get any job I want:

-Author 
Of course I will be writing regardless.  But the dream is that someone will see my novel, realise it's potential, and give me lots of money to finish it.
-Playschool presenter!
It's been a dream of mine since I used to watch it, but after nearly three years of Playgroup running I genuinely think I would be really good.  I can't speak for other demographics, but I rock the under 5.  Now if we can only convince the ABC...
-Video game story-line writer
I really enjoy watching my husband play story based video games, which often have a sci-fi/Fantasy twist.  I would love to come up with concepts that can be turned into a video game.  They are like fatasy movies, although with different plots and posibilities depending on what the player does.  It's like choose your own adventure writing on steriods!
Governor General
I've seen the house.  It's got the best view in Sydney.  Of course we are moving back to Melbourne so it wouldn't really work...maybe a retirement options?
The next Oprah
Do i need an explanation?

The possibilities are endless...
Love B

The perfect ministry couple, from Anne of Green Gables

At the moment, I pretty much read a fiction book every day.  Even if it's only a couple of pages, I just find that this is the pattern I use to go to bed.  But I also read at other times too.  Often my fiction books will overlap with my non-fiction, usually Christian or writing books, so sometimes I'm thinking of one as I read the other.

Me and a few friend have been reading a book called "More than a Pastor's Wife".  It's all about being a pastor's wife, the expectations people sometimes hold of them, and the helpful things you can be doing to serve God in this very unusual role.  I was reading it on Friday

I am also reading Anne of Green Gables.  Which I have read many times before.  But I think, given our plans for next year, and the other book I was reading concurrently- I noticed this line for the first time.

"Mrs Lynde says that sound doctrine in the man and good housekeeping in the women make an ideal combination for a minister's family"

Oh dear!  It's alright on Tim's side but...
:)
love B

A dream close to realisation

I think I've mentioned before on this blog that often that when I'm not blogging much it's because I'm too busy writing other things.

That is very true at the moment.  My blog is getting more and more bare but that doesn't mean i'm not doing much writing.  Writing has become my life!

Last week I printed off my novel as it stands at present.  It is still not finished, but there is something about having it in your hand as opposed to seeing "number of pages" listed on the bottom of a word document.  I was singing to myself based on the old hymn "This is my story, this is my song, Praising my savior, all the day long", though instead i was singing "This is my story, this is my novel".  Hope that's not too heretical :)

It really feels like a novel.  And even as I read through it, rather than seeing major holes in the story, I just see little sections that need filling.  You could actually read it, and even if you wouldn't necessarily enjoy it yet, you would be able to understand the plot and the story.  Jotted all the way through my hard copy are words like "Describe character more", or "Need to put in an explanation of X" or quite commonly "That sounds so silly Belinda you really need to learn how to write better!".  Whereas the last time I printed it out it was much more likely to say "Work out how the story could have gotten from this to that?"

Writing a novel is like solving a puzzle.  At any stage I have a certain number of pieces already in, bits of the story that are already figured out.  But I need new pieces to put it together and make it all work and fit.  But rather than looking for pieces that exist, I just fill them up with my own home-made pieces.  I love the illumination of finally figuring out a piece.  So much of writing for me is coming up with an idea, and then working out how it is possibly viable within my story.  And sometimes my favourite plot twists, characters, and concepts were created just because my story didn't make sense without them.

And now I have a confession.  You might wonder why I don't write anything about my novel, except that it is a novel and it's a fantasy story.  The truth is, I'm worried someone will steal my ideas.  Yes, I know how silly that sounds.  That someone would come to my incredibly popular blog, followed by a whopping 10 people, and steal my novel ideas.  But I can't help it.  It's my story and I love it, and even if it isn't any good, it's mine.  And I don't want anyone knowing about it or reading it until it is beautiful and ready!
Which might be soon than I imagined :)
love B

Interesting Sell

Was talking to someone who trying to convince a friend to come to church.  One of her selling points: We sing Karaoke!  I was a bit confused, but she went on to say.  Everyone sings, and instead of Kylie Minogue Love songs we sing love songs about God.

Interesting selling point.  But should we include a bouncy ball scrolling over the words on the powerpoint to increase the appeal?
 :)
B