Today I had a conversation with a lady who is investigating Jesus that started like this:
"Belinda, you are never envious or jealous. How can I be like you?"
Ouch
It would have been bad enough if it was just a regular week, but this comment came smack bang in the middle of a week where Jealousy, Envy, and Anger were probably my three strongest emotions.
And once again I am forced to take a look at the way I do ministry.
Am I being fake?
I'm not deliberately being fake. I do try to talk about my struggles and sin. But I think in my efforts to be a good example, and particularly in my efforts to teach godly living, I give the impression that I have it figured all out. And that, even accidentally, IS being fake. I need to be more real and honest.
It was a great conversation, because it ultimately came back to the gospel, that Christians are not perfect, we are just sinners who acknowledge how bad we are and get God to help us as we struggle to change. I said I could see myself growing, but that I often felt like the longer I lived, the more bad I find out I am. This was something my friend could identify with!
Interesting she also said "Your husband must be more perfect than you because he is going to be a Pastor". It makes me realise that this is going to be a problem that grows for both Tim and I, that because of our very roles people were going to assume the best of our character. And this is bad, both because it undermines the gospel (suggesting that being a Christian is about being good), and also because it means that people will see themselves on another level from us and therefore will be hesitant to either share struggles, or even follow our example (because they assume they will fail). Our challenge is to be real, to keep sharing the gospel, and to keep pushing people to persevere with godliness, even though it is a life long task.
I don't have any answers though. How do I be real about sin without revealing too-private struggles? What struggles should I publicise.
Tricky questions!
love B
Showing posts with label sin. Show all posts
Showing posts with label sin. Show all posts
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
Sunday, May 9, 2010
God is good to me
It's been a bad week.
Which is funny really.
Because it's been a good week.
Playgroup was great.
Bible study was great.
Scripture was great.
There aren't things that have been going wrong. It's me. I've been going wrong. I've been struggling and working away, not having the energy to battle my usual discontentment and other related sins. And so I just let them grow. It was also a busy week, and I wasn't getting the rest I need.
When organising last Saturday I made the momentous error (for the second time!) of putting our Youth group sleepover on the same time as Equip- a women's ministry conference I take a group of church too. Stupid!
I kind of figured Equip would be pretty refreshing. And it was. But it was also very emotional.
There was a talk on Envy.
I think I've mentioned before that envy is something that I really struggle with.
One women during the conference described the talk as like being placed on an operating table and then "poke, poke, poke".
It was so helpful. But very confronting
One of the big things that was emphasised is that while Envy is obviously about other people, in many ways for Christian it boils down to our relationship with God.
Why is God kinder to her than to me?
It is that unhelpful idea that we sometimes have that God has a certain amount of "goodness" that he has to give people. Limited blessing. And when she is going well, and I am going badly, it's because God has decided to give his good to someone who isn't me.
But God is not like that.
God is infinitely good and generous.
And not only is God good.
He is good to me.
Me.
He is good to me even when my situation is not good.
He is good to me even when my heart is not in the right place.
He is working all things out for my good whether I like how he's doing it or not.
Ironically since the talk, with my lack of sleep, and a few other things, I've been overwhelmed with envy.
But now at least with God's help I'm fighting it. With these words.
God is good to me.
God is good to me.
love B
Which is funny really.
Because it's been a good week.
Playgroup was great.
Bible study was great.
Scripture was great.
There aren't things that have been going wrong. It's me. I've been going wrong. I've been struggling and working away, not having the energy to battle my usual discontentment and other related sins. And so I just let them grow. It was also a busy week, and I wasn't getting the rest I need.
When organising last Saturday I made the momentous error (for the second time!) of putting our Youth group sleepover on the same time as Equip- a women's ministry conference I take a group of church too. Stupid!
I kind of figured Equip would be pretty refreshing. And it was. But it was also very emotional.
There was a talk on Envy.
I think I've mentioned before that envy is something that I really struggle with.
One women during the conference described the talk as like being placed on an operating table and then "poke, poke, poke".
It was so helpful. But very confronting
One of the big things that was emphasised is that while Envy is obviously about other people, in many ways for Christian it boils down to our relationship with God.
Why is God kinder to her than to me?
It is that unhelpful idea that we sometimes have that God has a certain amount of "goodness" that he has to give people. Limited blessing. And when she is going well, and I am going badly, it's because God has decided to give his good to someone who isn't me.
But God is not like that.
God is infinitely good and generous.
And not only is God good.
He is good to me.
Me.
He is good to me even when my situation is not good.
He is good to me even when my heart is not in the right place.
He is working all things out for my good whether I like how he's doing it or not.
Ironically since the talk, with my lack of sleep, and a few other things, I've been overwhelmed with envy.
But now at least with God's help I'm fighting it. With these words.
God is good to me.
God is good to me.
love B
Monday, May 25, 2009
Why I love my Bible study!
Today is one of those days where I can think about a million things I want to blog about. "One of those days" doesn't happen very often- so I've actually written down a list that I will plow through over time.
I will give you a "what's been happening update" after this weekend- because that (hopefully!) is when the craziness stops a bit. Plus I am blessed to be having a weekend away with my Mum and Sister in the blue mountains- so I can let you know about that too!
But now- why I love my Bible study.
I was excited about joining a Bible study this year. Last year I really felt the loss of a regular chance with friends to catch up and learn together. I realised the error of my ways half way through the year and tried to join one of the groups for College wives. Unfortunately at that stage they were all bursting at the brim and too full, so it was with great excitement that I approached my second chance at the start of this year.
Now for those of you who don't know me well enough to know my faults- I am an academic snob. I am very Bible literate, and greatly struggle with pride associated with this. With this pride comes also a tendency to be lazy in Bible study, and not push myself to be challenged (because I've often thought about or read before what I am being taught). It also leads me to want to answer every question in Bible study to "show off" I self-diagnosed this sin when I was 19 years old through my memorable and wonderful first year at Christian Union student group at Monash Uni. But despite my self-diagnosis, it has been a constant struggle and I suspect will remain so.
The idea of being in a Bible study run by "College Lecturer's wives" and other "College wives's" appealed because I assumed the studies would be high brow and academic.
But this is what I found.
The studies so far have been on James and the topic of "the church"- two things that I am very familiar with. The things that we discuss, the answers that we come to, are most of the time ones that I already knew or things I already thought.
And yet, it's been wonderful!
Because often the conclusions are conclusions I've known, but never lived out. For example, in our first study on church we came to the conclusion- based on many passages but particularly Romans 12:1 that we needed to live our whole lives as "worship" to God. This was something I knew. But as the study ended I realised how little I lived it out! I don't wake up in the morning thinking about all the different ways I will be worshiping God that day. I don't do the dishes, write my novel or ride the train in a way that acknowledges the one I'm serving. I do think of ministry and church as my worship time and not the rest. What a challenge!
And not only that- I am in a group of very different women. We have a Grandma, a Mother of young adults, and a Mother of young kids. We have a lawyer, a nurse and a PA. We have people studying, teaching and ministering the gospel. All different. All sharing their lives, their wisdom, their struggles, their joys and their prayer points each week.
I am so thankful to God for my Bible study. Once again, my good God has not given me what I expected or what I asked for, but just what I needed. He is like that!
love B
PS For those of you who also struggle with being Bible snobs- two things I have found helpful in a Bible study context. The first is thinking before I answer a question- am I just answering this to show off? The second is even if I'm not, I only ever answer half the questions I want to, to keep myself from dominating. Still not perfect, but I've found it a great help!
I will give you a "what's been happening update" after this weekend- because that (hopefully!) is when the craziness stops a bit. Plus I am blessed to be having a weekend away with my Mum and Sister in the blue mountains- so I can let you know about that too!
But now- why I love my Bible study.
I was excited about joining a Bible study this year. Last year I really felt the loss of a regular chance with friends to catch up and learn together. I realised the error of my ways half way through the year and tried to join one of the groups for College wives. Unfortunately at that stage they were all bursting at the brim and too full, so it was with great excitement that I approached my second chance at the start of this year.
Now for those of you who don't know me well enough to know my faults- I am an academic snob. I am very Bible literate, and greatly struggle with pride associated with this. With this pride comes also a tendency to be lazy in Bible study, and not push myself to be challenged (because I've often thought about or read before what I am being taught). It also leads me to want to answer every question in Bible study to "show off" I self-diagnosed this sin when I was 19 years old through my memorable and wonderful first year at Christian Union student group at Monash Uni. But despite my self-diagnosis, it has been a constant struggle and I suspect will remain so.
The idea of being in a Bible study run by "College Lecturer's wives" and other "College wives's" appealed because I assumed the studies would be high brow and academic.
But this is what I found.
The studies so far have been on James and the topic of "the church"- two things that I am very familiar with. The things that we discuss, the answers that we come to, are most of the time ones that I already knew or things I already thought.
And yet, it's been wonderful!
Because often the conclusions are conclusions I've known, but never lived out. For example, in our first study on church we came to the conclusion- based on many passages but particularly Romans 12:1 that we needed to live our whole lives as "worship" to God. This was something I knew. But as the study ended I realised how little I lived it out! I don't wake up in the morning thinking about all the different ways I will be worshiping God that day. I don't do the dishes, write my novel or ride the train in a way that acknowledges the one I'm serving. I do think of ministry and church as my worship time and not the rest. What a challenge!
And not only that- I am in a group of very different women. We have a Grandma, a Mother of young adults, and a Mother of young kids. We have a lawyer, a nurse and a PA. We have people studying, teaching and ministering the gospel. All different. All sharing their lives, their wisdom, their struggles, their joys and their prayer points each week.
I am so thankful to God for my Bible study. Once again, my good God has not given me what I expected or what I asked for, but just what I needed. He is like that!
love B
PS For those of you who also struggle with being Bible snobs- two things I have found helpful in a Bible study context. The first is thinking before I answer a question- am I just answering this to show off? The second is even if I'm not, I only ever answer half the questions I want to, to keep myself from dominating. Still not perfect, but I've found it a great help!
Sunday, May 3, 2009
Soul Weary
I've been feeling very soul weary lately. We drove over one of my favourite bridges in Sydney last night, and I looked out at the beautiful night sky-line and felt...strange. Not sad, not happy, and there was a bit of missing Melbourne mixed in there. But most of all just tired.
I've been sick, and had lots of things to do. I've been under a lot of stress, and found it hard to switch off my brain.
When I'm soul weary I always turn to the Psalms.
The psalms are the natural place I always want to go to when I pick up my Bible. So normally when I pick my Bible up, I try to fight that temptation and read other things as well. But during weeks like this I know that what I need more than anything is the honest, raw, beautiful Psalms.
I love God. And it seems amazing that with the kind of job I have and the life I lead that I keep having to remind myself of him. Of his grace, of his Holiness, of his majesty and power. But life takes over and I find myself forgetting. Living as if his loving hand wasn't guiding and leading my every path. Living as if the ministry I was doing was totally in my weak, helpless hands. Living as if this world is all these is and that I don't have an eternity of joyful communion with him to look forward to.
So the Psalms are great. There is my God who controls the wind and the waves. There is the God who listens t0 David's pleas. There is the just God who will not let the wicked triumph. There is the loving God who casts my sins away from me. And there is my God who will be my strength and portion long after my flesh and heart have failed.
Please Pray that I will live my life and do my ministry in light of his greatness.
love B
Friday, November 7, 2008
The Art of Overdoing exam prep
I hate being a semi-perfectionist!
I have to say semi, because though I have perfectionist tendencies- I can't call myself a true perfectionist. My house is disgracefully messy, my hand-writing in atrocious, and when I've been writing an essay forever, like your standard non-perfectionist I hand it in rather than checking and double checking because I am SO VERY SICK OF IT!
In fact, it was only a few years ago that I worked out I was a perfectionist at all. I was sitting in church and in the sermon it talked about how we tend to see perfectionism as a slight problem but really a good quality ( the kind of thing you say when asked in an interview what your weakness's are..."I'm too much of a perfectionist, I need my work to be just right!"). But that in reality perfectionism can often mask an underlying insecurity that what I do has to be perfect or people/God won't be happy with me. I suddenly realised at that moment that I was a perfectionist. I may not be in all areas of my life. But I know I avoid doing things I know that I'll be bad at- I just stick with my strengths. I set ridiculously high standards for myself academically- and it's only when I talk to other people that I realise that this isn't normal. And particularly in relationships I'm often so stressed about serving people that it becomes about "Being the perfect friend" and not about serving or caring for them.
While I think I'm getting better in all these areas, the semi-perfectionist tendencies reared their ugly heads again this week as I began to study for exams.
The reality of exams is usually that you work out what might be on the exam, and you make sure you cover enough topics in your prep to make sure you can answer most of the questions.
But this is what goes through my head "Alright, for section C of the OT exam, I'll make sure I've got Psalms and Job down. One of them has come up in every exam for the last ten years. I'll be fine. But what if they don't? What if this is the year that they don't? I really should cover wisdom literature generally? But what about if there is a question about "The writings" generally. That came up in 2002. There could be 3 questions- one on the Apocryphal writing, one on "the writings", and one on Daniel- none of my topics. Maybe I should do the writings too. I could probably wing it though- I could just work it out on the day if I had to. But what if I panic? I don't normally panic in exams. But what if this is the first, what if this is the first and I panic and I fail. I never failed before...maybe I should do the writings too".
This is the point where I come to Tim- he rolls his eyes at me, tells me that I'll be fine and I realise I'm being an idiot.
Friends, please pray for me. I want to do well, but more than that I want to learn and grow. And most of all, I want to learn not to put my eggs in the "I'm academic" basket. My eggs should all be in the "Jesus died for me" basket.
love B
I have to say semi, because though I have perfectionist tendencies- I can't call myself a true perfectionist. My house is disgracefully messy, my hand-writing in atrocious, and when I've been writing an essay forever, like your standard non-perfectionist I hand it in rather than checking and double checking because I am SO VERY SICK OF IT!
In fact, it was only a few years ago that I worked out I was a perfectionist at all. I was sitting in church and in the sermon it talked about how we tend to see perfectionism as a slight problem but really a good quality ( the kind of thing you say when asked in an interview what your weakness's are..."I'm too much of a perfectionist, I need my work to be just right!"). But that in reality perfectionism can often mask an underlying insecurity that what I do has to be perfect or people/God won't be happy with me. I suddenly realised at that moment that I was a perfectionist. I may not be in all areas of my life. But I know I avoid doing things I know that I'll be bad at- I just stick with my strengths. I set ridiculously high standards for myself academically- and it's only when I talk to other people that I realise that this isn't normal. And particularly in relationships I'm often so stressed about serving people that it becomes about "Being the perfect friend" and not about serving or caring for them.
While I think I'm getting better in all these areas, the semi-perfectionist tendencies reared their ugly heads again this week as I began to study for exams.
The reality of exams is usually that you work out what might be on the exam, and you make sure you cover enough topics in your prep to make sure you can answer most of the questions.
But this is what goes through my head "Alright, for section C of the OT exam, I'll make sure I've got Psalms and Job down. One of them has come up in every exam for the last ten years. I'll be fine. But what if they don't? What if this is the year that they don't? I really should cover wisdom literature generally? But what about if there is a question about "The writings" generally. That came up in 2002. There could be 3 questions- one on the Apocryphal writing, one on "the writings", and one on Daniel- none of my topics. Maybe I should do the writings too. I could probably wing it though- I could just work it out on the day if I had to. But what if I panic? I don't normally panic in exams. But what if this is the first, what if this is the first and I panic and I fail. I never failed before...maybe I should do the writings too".
This is the point where I come to Tim- he rolls his eyes at me, tells me that I'll be fine and I realise I'm being an idiot.
Friends, please pray for me. I want to do well, but more than that I want to learn and grow. And most of all, I want to learn not to put my eggs in the "I'm academic" basket. My eggs should all be in the "Jesus died for me" basket.
love B
Thursday, August 14, 2008
Mustard Seed
Dear friends,
So sorry I haven't been writing. Life has run away with me at the moment- not that I've been only doing work (far from it...hehe) but blogging has unfortunately been a little low on the priority list. I will do a post on Saturday- but here is my reflections on the last week.
I was very struck by a quote that a guy giving lectures at College said. He was speaking on the concept of repentance- very academically but also very truely. He was speaking about the Pharasis and I was starting to feel a bit uncomfortable. I am a Pharases at heart (a sin I constantly have to fight against)- a lover of man made rules who loves to feel like "a good person". The quote he said was from CS Lewis and it was something like "We all secretly think that God made a very wise decision in choosing us".
Ouch! That's so me! I often forget my own sin in the business of serving God (ironic) and start to think that God owes me something for my service. Last week was a week where I got reminded again what a sinner I am. And this week was a week when I got reminded of the amazing grace of God- that he loves me and that he sent his son to die for me- knowing me for the sinner I am.
Its funny how people view us. I've been struck lately at the amazing faith that many of my friends have, the way that they stand firm on the promises of God even when going through intense suffering and feeling like my faith is so small and so fickled in comparison (particularly in my responses to prayers that don't get answered). But then I think, I bet people look at me and think I have great faith! I wonder if others feel the same?
This week was a week where I really did feel that my faith was as small as a mustard seed. But praise God, that is enough. Praise God!
God is so good. He is so good in so many ways. How is it that we can repent and be forgiven- how is it that God would save us? It is hard to comprehend but so beautiful to think about.
Amazing Grace.
love B
So sorry I haven't been writing. Life has run away with me at the moment- not that I've been only doing work (far from it...hehe) but blogging has unfortunately been a little low on the priority list. I will do a post on Saturday- but here is my reflections on the last week.
I was very struck by a quote that a guy giving lectures at College said. He was speaking on the concept of repentance- very academically but also very truely. He was speaking about the Pharasis and I was starting to feel a bit uncomfortable. I am a Pharases at heart (a sin I constantly have to fight against)- a lover of man made rules who loves to feel like "a good person". The quote he said was from CS Lewis and it was something like "We all secretly think that God made a very wise decision in choosing us".
Ouch! That's so me! I often forget my own sin in the business of serving God (ironic) and start to think that God owes me something for my service. Last week was a week where I got reminded again what a sinner I am. And this week was a week when I got reminded of the amazing grace of God- that he loves me and that he sent his son to die for me- knowing me for the sinner I am.
Its funny how people view us. I've been struck lately at the amazing faith that many of my friends have, the way that they stand firm on the promises of God even when going through intense suffering and feeling like my faith is so small and so fickled in comparison (particularly in my responses to prayers that don't get answered). But then I think, I bet people look at me and think I have great faith! I wonder if others feel the same?
This week was a week where I really did feel that my faith was as small as a mustard seed. But praise God, that is enough. Praise God!
God is so good. He is so good in so many ways. How is it that we can repent and be forgiven- how is it that God would save us? It is hard to comprehend but so beautiful to think about.
Amazing Grace.
love B
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