God's goodness when life is not good.

I've been reflecting on the concept of God's goodness.


I think when something horrible happens it's a natural progression of your mind, but it was sparked off particularly by a facebook comment. A million people (okay, slight exaggeration) have announced in the last month that they are having a baby, many of which are expecting in July when our little one would have been due. This is heart-breakingly hard for us. One of those people commented on facebook when discussing their pregnancy (which had taken a long time to happen) that "God is good".

I really struggled with that at first. The way I thought about it was that this person thought that the evidence of God's goodness was that they had been given a baby. But then the thing I struggled with was- what was the loss of our baby evidence of? Is God good to give one person a child, and not good to take one away from someone else.

One of my teens at church asked me once "Why is it that when something good happen we have to say thanks to God but when something bad happens it's not his fault?". Brilliant question!

Anyway, all these things had been floating around my head a few nights ago when I got to listen to a recording of a talk on Psalm 136- which was all about God's goodness, and how we can think about God's goodness in relation to the hard things in life. Talk about good timing! It really helped me to put together in my head what it means for God to be good, and how to understand hard things.

A few reflections:

-God is the king of all things good. Because he made this world good and every good and perfect gift comes from him- then it is right to respond to happy and good things by remembering- "oh that's right, God is good".

-The world is a mess because of sin. While God is not out-of-control of the bad things, he is not morally responsible for them. Therefore, the bad things that happen don't negate God's goodness.

-God's goodness is seen in what he has done. He has made this world good. He has looked after his people. And most importantly, he has sent his son to die for us. All these things are constant signs of his goodness that we need to hold onto when life is not good. We have powerful evidence of his goodness in the cross.

-God's love is steadfast (Psalm 136 repeats the refrain- his love endures forever). When I feel like God is not being loving or good at the moment it is helpful to hear that he doesn't change. The same love that he had for me when he sent his son to die for sin is the same loyal love he has for me right now in this pain.

The truth is, in my life (quite the opposite of what my teenage friend said), when good things happen I tend to not thank God, and when bad things happen I blame him. When in reality all good things in my life are a sign of his goodness, and the problems and hard things are as a result of human sin. And yet God in his amazing sovereign way is in control of it all and is able to take bad and use it for good.

So yes- when a friend who has been trying for a while gets pregnant- she is right to say "God is good".

When my husband very patiently loves me through this time of depression and doubt- that is God showing his love for me. That is God's goodness. When I have a particularly good ice-cream, or when Tim's brother has a lovely wedding, or when I survive a day that I didn't think I could. That is God showing his love for me. That is God's goodness.

And the fact that God can look at this rebellious child who is so mad at him and still love her and send his son to die for her?

That is God's goodness.

love B

What to say?

I've been reflecting quite alot on every one's reaction to our sad news.

One of the most common comments is "I don't know what to say". I think part of that is that people don't know what to say that might help or might make us feel better. But the truth is- from my experience anyway- I really appreciate people saying something, even if its just that.

It's funny because I look back and I realise that most people I know who have miscarried, I have heard second hand, and didn't actually contact them and say something. Now I wish I had.

We love our baby. And we are really hurting. And it's great having people acknowledge that, acknowledge that he was important and therefore our pain is natural and right. I want to talk about it, and appreciate people giving me freedom to process with them.

Some people did the "Don't worry, you'll get pregnant again, then this won't matter". I know what people are trying to do (make us feel better about the future), but I don't want that to be true! I want my baby to still be important even if (God willing) we do have a baby who lives longer than 9 weeks. So rather than down-playing what has happened, I'd rather people let us be sad.

One of the most comforting things has been people sharing their own stories. I feel like there are all these extra kids that I never even knew existed, who are still precious to their parents and are now precious to me too. I look forward to going to heaven and meeting them all.

Thanks for all your prayers. I'm still really struggling to cope with everyday life and I need God's help so desperately. It seems like every time I start feeling better something happens or I hear some news which just floods me again with the "why, why, why". Please keep praying for me.
love B

Wedding

So lovely to have something happy to celebrate. Such a special family day.

Congratulations to Joel and Angela Grant

love B

A sad month

It's been about a month since I last posted.

Not a very good month.

Three days before Christmas, Tim and I found out via Ultra-sound that our nine week old babie's heart had stopped beating. And after three horrible weeks of waiting for it to happen, I finally miscarried last Tuesday.

So not the Merriest Christmas. I went to bed at 10pm on New Years. I didn't want to think about 2011. 2010 had been tough, and we had such high hopes for this one. Now I can hardly face it. We'd been trying to get through one day at a time- to not think about the future. This gets progressively more difficult when my job at the moment is to start preparing for term 1 at church.

We miss him so much (we refer to him as a him. He just can't be an it, we love him too much). I don't think I've ever felt so lonely since we lost him. We are confident he is with Jesus now- and ultimately we want to be able to look back and celebrate his little life, rejoice that we had him for a little while. But I think it will take a long time before we are properly up for that.

I have good days, I have bad days. Yesterday was a good day. Tim and I had decided that while we weren't going to broadcast our sadness to the sky, that we wanted some people to know about him. I had already let a few people at church know, and told a few more yesterday. I've been overwhelmed by love and support that people have shown, love both for us and our little one. One friend at church started crying when I told her. That afternoon she dropped off some flowers and chocolates for us. "I had to do something" she said almost apologetically.

But if the last week has taught me anything- it's that this road isn't a road of steady incline back to normality. This is grief, and I can't predict how I will feel or when I will feel it. And that's okay.

I wasn't sure whether to write about it on my blog, but I have learnt so much, and the process from anger at God to crying into his loving arms (which of course is not a steady incline either!) has been something that I'd like to write about.

:'(
love B

The work year over

For the first time all year- I am staring at the possibility of having a to-do list actually completed.

Clean office
Send final email re summer supervision
Put together activity sheets for Christmas and Boxing Day services.

Then I'm off.

Reflections on this year at work.

Really tough.

And yet really wonderful.

I wouldn't say it has been the easiest working year of my life. I've just been overwhelmed with the tasks I've had to do. It's funny- for various reasons- our whole staff team has designated this year as the year of "Just getting by". All the grand plans of things we hoped to achieve were dumped around May- and just surviving the year with the day to day jobs has been enough of a triumph.

And yet, God has continued to work.

Term 4- the craziest term in the year- has also been the most amazing. My Playgroup friend Maggie has become a Christian. The kids at Youth group seem to really be growing. I have three women to follow up in the New year who really want to know more about Jesus. My Mum's Bible study group is filled with the most enthuastic women. And after a slow year on the Sunday School front- at the end of the year we have been innondated with new families and crazy numbers of kids!. For the first term ever- I didn't have any stresses in organising Sunday School leaders and one of the leaders commented that this term of teaching- rather than being the overload she had felt previously- had been a huge delight and had really grown her in the faith. And our Carols service was the best attended ever with heaps of visitors. I am so thankful to God for this term, and humbled that I had so little to do with it :)

As I close the chapter on the best term of the year- I get excited about the holidays and try not to think too much about term 1- the worst term of the year. It's always so difficult!

But for now I'm relishing the fact that the for the first time all year- my to do list is about to become empty.
love Belinda

When life gets busy...

A few things happen when life gets busy.

Number One- fiction writing goes out the window. It's really sad, as I suspect my mental health would survive the busy-ness better if I could escape regularly from all the tasks spinning round in my head with a short trip to my fantasy world. Hoping that today will be the day to get back into it.

Number Two-Shopping goes out the window. By shopping I mean regular grocery shopping. Of course I still shop- otherwise Tim and i would be taking out every meal (that's just for the really, really busy times :). But it tends to me a quick duck to the shops after work to get something for that particular night. It is the breakfasts which suffer the most for this situation. Don't tell Tim, but I'm having Maggi noddles for breakfast this morning ;P

Number Three-The house. It is atrocious. Praise God busy time for me coincides with holidays for Tim- so it's not a total loss. If I can managed to put cloths in the washing machine and clear the dish rack, then generally speaking when I wake up/arrive home the washing is on the line and the dish rack is full again.

Number Four-Early nights and early mornings. Generally, when I'm busy when I wake up in the morning I can't get back to sleep, I'm thinking to much. It's a bizarre form of insomnia because for some reason those same thoughts didn't bother me when I originally went to sleep. So I get tired earlier so go to bed earlier, then wake up earlier again. Vicious cycle :)

Number Five-I can't wait, wait, wait for holidays!

love B
PS It's a totally stupid, particularly given that my family haven't even celebrated it for years and years themselves- but I always miss my Mum and Dad and Sister alot on Thanksgiving. We lived in the states for two years and I loved that holiday. For the first ten years or so back we used to have one ourselves. Poor Tim has had me groaning all week about Turkey and pumpkin pie. He tries to be sympathetic, but he just can't get passed the idea that pumpkin in a pie sounds disgusting. Oh sweet oblivion!

Updates

November isn't a good day for blogs.

I don't know if December is going to be any better.

Life is hectic but kinda exciting too!

Exciting number one
Tim has finished exams! He is now a big bad fourth year- and only 12 months off finishing for good. Doesn't seem possible that these last three years have gone so fast.

Exciting number two
Christmas ministry! What do I mean? I mean playgroup parties and Scripture Christmas parties, and our Carols Outreach service. I am also giving an evangelistic talk at an outreach event for our playgroup Mum's. Please pray for me.

Exciting number three
One of the playgroup Mum's in my Bible study has become a Christian! She and I sat down today to talk about it because she wants to be baptised. She brought along another friend who has been thinking through Christianity and in the course of the conversation she realised she wanted to be a follower of Jesus too! I feel overwhelmed by God's incredible mercy in these women's lives, and the opportunity I have to see God work in so many amazing ways.

Exciting number four
Tim and I got to be God-Parents for our friends beautiful little girl Maggie. We were greatly honoured.

Exciting number four
I just had a lightening visit down to Melbourne for my cousin Kate's 10Th birthday. And. We. Saw. Mary. Poppins.
SO GOOD!

Please pray. Lots of excitement, but lots to do as well.
love Belinda