Sad and Romantic

On Valentines day this year, Tim's Nanny went to be with Jesus. Eleven days later, at 2am on the morning of Nanny's funeral, her husband, Tim's Papa went to join them.

I think one day I will be able to look back and realise what a precious reality this is. And as the two coffins, side-by-side, travelled off away from the funeral, was a really beautiful thing. It is romantic and beautiful that we were able to say goodbye together. It is amazing that after nearly 60 years together they were only separated for such a short time. One day we will look back and be thankful.

But at the moment we are all just too sad for that.

Papa had cancer, and he was fighting on for Nanny's sake, but once he knew she was okay, he moved on to palliative care. Nanny died at home in the arms of her daughter. Papa died in a hospital room with Tim's Dad, his son, beside him.

Death is so sad, and Tim and I feel we have had enough of it for one summer!

But it is a good reminder of the shortness of life and what really matters.

I don't know how I'd like to go. Part of me thinks it would be lovely to leave with Tim, and I struggle to think of living without him. But then I look at Tim's Pa, the only Grandparent left, and I see something noble and special about him too. Living on after his wives death in November, rejoicing in the chance he still has to look after his daughters, even as they try to look after him.

Bye Nanny and Papa. We love you, and we are so glad you are with Jesus now.
love B

A helpful Quote

One thing I did not expect in my experience of the miscarriage was how much it would affect my self-esteem and particularly my work. I am just so much more fragile and particularly so much more filled with worry about my own capabilities.

I found this quote from "The Reason for God" (a book I really should get around to reading!) and it really helped me put 'myself' into perspective.

"The Christian Gospel is that I am so flawed that Jesus had to die for me, yet I am so loved and valued that Jesus was glad to die for me. This leads to deep humility and deep confidence at the same time. It undermines both swaggering and sniveling. I cannot feel superior to anyone, and yet I have nothing to prove to anyone. I do not think more of myself nor less of myself. Instead, I think of myself less."
Tim Keller.

Love B

Update on how I are going

The short answer is probably better, but still not great.

Mostly myself, but with a big new dose of fragile. And sad.

Please keep us in your prayers.
love B

Another Writing Mile-stone

At some stage in the next week (most likely tonight) I am going to pass the 50,000 word mark on my novel.

I'm so psyched!

50,000! If I had a dollar for every word I've written (and lets remember, many words have been deleted in the process as well) i would have a house deposite!

My question has been for a while "Does writing make me happy, or do I only write when I'm happy?" Turns out it is the first. Because I haven't had a happy time but writing has been a wonderful distraction and joy. Other distractions (like DVDs, Vid games, and even sometimes books) are great while they last but don't do much for my mood when I stop. But the satisfaction of writing and the thoughts about it afterwards keep me going for the rest of the day.

Tim has read the first half. We were on a plane to Melbourne when he started. A very traumatic hour and a bit! He had lots of feedback, at the very start he would have a piece of constructive criticism for every sentence. As it progressed (my novel gets better, the start needs lots of work) this easied somewhat, and to my surprised he really, really enjoyed it. So my next assignment is to work through his detailed comments and see what bits of it I should take on board. Tim is a great first reader because he is honest, he's good with words, he gives replacement ideas to things he doesn't like (why don't you instead get him to...), and most of all, he is really, really easily bored so he has high standards for entertainment :P

I don't really know what will happen when I finish, though Tim and I love to dream about the what ifs of what might happen if it's published. But the journey is fun, even if the destination is unknown.
love B